Why do I ALWAYS do this?

It's the same thing Every. Single. Time.

I don't meet guys I truely care for very often... in my entire life I've met 3 of them... I meet them... I know within a few days that I truely care for them and that I would want to be with them if things continued to progress... I dive in 100%... and then I get hurt...

Well J... join the club.. You are number 3.

I talked with him tonight... he's just not ready... he's not over his ex at all yet... I can't be second to someone else... I so appreciate him telling me... I so appreciate him  being open and honest... and I completely understand where he's coming from.. I've been there.. I've been the girl not over the ex yet even though I had feelings for someone.. I get it.. but still I can't help but lay here awake at 1 am and cry... I know that seems ridiculous.. I've only started getting close to him over the last like 2 weeks, but I knew how I felt about him right away... I knew I wanted to be a part of his life and have him be a part of mine.. and I know he felt and still feels the same... it's so hard. I can't be upset with him because his reasons are legit and he's looking out for me but that doesn't make it sting any less.

I just wanted to be with him and to get to know him... now there's no room for that... now I need to go back to square one and figure out how to be his friend and not more... how to stop wishing he was around to make me smile... just... ugh..

I work so hard to stay a gaurded person and put up walls that I need... and I always seem to let them down for the wrong people.

Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always put myself through this stupid shit?

I remember now why I've been so gaurded, and this time... I won't forget it.

Whoaaa Slacker!!

I've been soooo super busy and running around like crazy that I've been slacking on here! Ooops!!

Not too much to update... I've been looking for a car... I'm thinking just a used one to hold me over until I move or whatever it is I'm gonna do out here.... I still have no idea lol

I've met a new guy... we'll call him J for short... he's literally a male version of me... passionate about radio, same silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky, and I find I can read him like a book and he can read me just as easily... I've never met a guy that can read me and understand me the way he can... I'm trying not to think about it and I'm trying to NOT do the typical Chantelle thing and get involved too quickly... it's just so hard with me.. I'm the type of girl that doesn't fall for or let a guy in easily, but when I do I do it 100%... which can end up absolutely amazing or a complete disaster... and there really is no in between... so I'm trying really hard to stay calm and be level headed about it all...

I'm going to count on the help of my friends a lot with this one I think... Girlies and Guys... don't hate me if I'm constantly talking about it... I need your support!

Hope everyone had a fantastic Easter! I was missing my nan and paps and the rest of the fam... they were all at the cottage together for dinner and a weekend together... I was super jealous... I can't wait until I can visit home again... Although I'm really starting to love my life out here, I will always miss home and all the amazing people I have there! The highlight of the day yesterday was Stephie calling to wish me a happy Easter! I love that her and her family think of me on holidays and stuff, it makes me feel so important  :)

Have a happy Monday all! Let's hope I can stay strong!

home...

Today is an ''I miss home" day... I really miss home.. I really miss my friends and fam... and I don't really wanna be out here right now.

I'll get over it.. these days come and go.

xo

April...

It's a new month, the sun is shining, I have a great guy that I've been goin on dates with here and there, my home life is good, and still today for some reason I don't feel like smiling.

I don't know what my problem is..

it's weird because I've been feeling great all week... I think I'm just a little bummed that I have to work till 9 tonight... makes it hard to be stoked for the end of the day when you know you'll be working late haha..

ohh well, I think maybe I'll sleep in on Monday morning to make up the hours :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys the sunshine as much as I have been :)

Talk soon!! xo

It's Wednesday?!?!

Friday is April!?!?!?

WTH! hahaha Where has my life gone! I can't believe I've been out here for almost 6 months now! that's just insane to me!

I had Mister Perfect over last night :) We watched one of my all time favourite movies "once" and then anchor man :) had a major make out session *Dreammmyyyy* and then I took him home... He wants me to go out with him and some of his friends on Friday... I'm kinda nervous but I'm going to do it :) should be a good time :)

More updates sooooon!
xo

Saw that comin...

Well Ontario man has turned RIDICULOUS... In dealing with stuff lately I've let it consume me and until the other day I was really miserable... I needed to snap out of it... after a good cry and a couple hours of guitar I was finally able too and I finally let go!

I messaged Ontario man yesterday cause he got a new job (he was fired from his old one) and I messaged him to congratulate him! I also apologised because for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been an absent friend... I haven't been around I haven't really talked much with him and to be honest, I was so caught up in my own shit that I became a shit friend... not just to him.. but to everyone.. and I'm trying to make that right. He was being weird and giving short one word answers.. so I asked him what's up... he UNLOADS on me about how I haven't "been around" ... I'm not nearly as "chatty" as I used to be.. and how I haven't been a good friend... ummm back up a minute... Didn't I JUST apologise to you for all those things?????? ..... so I said, I know and I'm sorry and that's what I'm apologising for... I said it hasn't just been to you, it's been to everyone... and then, Ladies & Gentleman the true reasons came out... Ontario Man- "You haven't been around, you barely talk to me anymore and you "say" it's to everyone yet you had time to meet a guy, chat him up and go on a date?"...at this point I LOST MY SHIT... A) my roommate introduced us just a couple days before the date, B) I wasn't "chatting him up". I wasn't until after the date that we really started talking and C) Who the fuck are YOU to tell me what I can and can't do. It's obvious to me now that he's jealous, and I understand that, but I've ALWAYS been clear with O/M that I don't want to be with him.

Then I explained to him that since Steve passed I've realized somethings.. one of those things is that I don't want to be alone forever, I want to get back in shape, I've quit smoking, I just want to live a good life because you never know when it's over... and O/M says to me "I would have been that for you" ... I go "What??" ... he goes "I would have been with you if that's what you wanted" ... I explain to him that like I've said from the beginning I don't want to be with him, I enjoy his company but we're 2 very different people.. we have similar personalities but we have different goals and aspirations in life... He sits at home and smokes weed literally everyday, he has the same type of job he's always had, he doesn't go out and he really doesn't do much... I'm career driven, I have so many things I want to do, I don't smoke weed everyday, and I just have a very different lifestyle then he does... I learned a long time ago that when those areas are where you differ a relationship doesn't work....

I feel like a piece of shit for this... I never meant to hurt him... I didn't want to be a brutal friend .. and I've tried to make it right... but it's impossible now because he won't even listen to me.. he's too caught up in how "horrible" I've been... I don't know what to do other then just give him his space and let him get over shit.

Have a happy Sunday my loves! xo

Smitten Kitten

My date last night was the best date I've ever had in my life... not only did he constantly tell me how pretty and awesome I am, but he made me feel totally at ease and completely comfortable in my own skin...

He's handsome, so funny, calm and kind, has a "live in the moment" attitude, loves adventure, and as our date went on I found myself letting go of all bitterness and totally ready to open myself up.

I know this is soon and I know it sounds ridiculous, but if things keep going the way they have for the last week and a bit I want to be with him... that's right guys, I Channy, the queen of the bitter Betty train, wants to be with someone again!!

even if things don't work out with us, he's made me realize life is much more meaningful when you have someone to share it with...

I got my heart broken, it took me a long time to heal, but I'm healed and I'm ready to move on with my life <3


Talk soon loves!