Friday, November 30, 2007

Now What?

What do I do? I'm 18 and I've been told that my stay here may be over within the next 5 years... do I cry because it hurts so bad? Do I laugh because it seems so unreal? do I have hope that they CAN fix it? Do I stay strong and keep my faith that everything is going to be ok?...

I guess the only option is to have hope and faith and stay strong... but how do I do that when everyday I can feel myself getting worse... feel my body becoming weaker?

I have a specialist appointment tuesday, they say that with the way technology is today, they should be able to figure it out and fix the problem, that's amazing... incredible!

but it's not for sure...

I have kept my feelings about this inside. I haven't told anyone how absolutely TERRIFIED I am.... how incredibly scary this entire process is... I just keep a smile on my face, in the hopes that if I do everyone that I care about will believe me when I say everything is going to be ok...

How do you tell your boyfriend, who you love more then you have ever loved anyone, who treats you like royalty, that you may be leaving him behind to face the world without you?

How do you tell your best friend who has already lost so much in her life that you may be leaving her to go through tough times in life unable to be that person that she calls anymore?

How do you tell your parents, who don't even really care about you, and who you haven't even really talked to over the last 5 years that you are dying... that their time to make it right may be up and it may be too late?

I don't want to hurt the people that I love... I don't want to leave them behind!! I'm SCARED! I'm ALONE!!

and I don't want to talk about it because it only makes them hurt more!

Please EVERYONE understand that I am sorry that I am putting you all through this!! I know you don't want me to leave I don't want to leave either!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!

1 comment:

Steph said...

You are not alone!! You know im always always here for you baby!