Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Wednesday?!?!

Friday is April!?!?!?

WTH! hahaha Where has my life gone! I can't believe I've been out here for almost 6 months now! that's just insane to me!

I had Mister Perfect over last night :) We watched one of my all time favourite movies "once" and then anchor man :) had a major make out session *Dreammmyyyy* and then I took him home... He wants me to go out with him and some of his friends on Friday... I'm kinda nervous but I'm going to do it :) should be a good time :)

More updates sooooon!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Saw that comin...

Well Ontario man has turned RIDICULOUS... In dealing with stuff lately I've let it consume me and until the other day I was really miserable... I needed to snap out of it... after a good cry and a couple hours of guitar I was finally able too and I finally let go!

I messaged Ontario man yesterday cause he got a new job (he was fired from his old one) and I messaged him to congratulate him! I also apologised because for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been an absent friend... I haven't been around I haven't really talked much with him and to be honest, I was so caught up in my own shit that I became a shit friend... not just to him.. but to everyone.. and I'm trying to make that right. He was being weird and giving short one word answers.. so I asked him what's up... he UNLOADS on me about how I haven't "been around" ... I'm not nearly as "chatty" as I used to be.. and how I haven't been a good friend... ummm back up a minute... Didn't I JUST apologise to you for all those things?????? ..... so I said, I know and I'm sorry and that's what I'm apologising for... I said it hasn't just been to you, it's been to everyone... and then, Ladies & Gentleman the true reasons came out... Ontario Man- "You haven't been around, you barely talk to me anymore and you "say" it's to everyone yet you had time to meet a guy, chat him up and go on a date?" this point I LOST MY SHIT... A) my roommate introduced us just a couple days before the date, B) I wasn't "chatting him up". I wasn't until after the date that we really started talking and C) Who the fuck are YOU to tell me what I can and can't do. It's obvious to me now that he's jealous, and I understand that, but I've ALWAYS been clear with O/M that I don't want to be with him.

Then I explained to him that since Steve passed I've realized somethings.. one of those things is that I don't want to be alone forever, I want to get back in shape, I've quit smoking, I just want to live a good life because you never know when it's over... and O/M says to me "I would have been that for you" ... I go "What??" ... he goes "I would have been with you if that's what you wanted" ... I explain to him that like I've said from the beginning I don't want to be with him, I enjoy his company but we're 2 very different people.. we have similar personalities but we have different goals and aspirations in life... He sits at home and smokes weed literally everyday, he has the same type of job he's always had, he doesn't go out and he really doesn't do much... I'm career driven, I have so many things I want to do, I don't smoke weed everyday, and I just have a very different lifestyle then he does... I learned a long time ago that when those areas are where you differ a relationship doesn't work....

I feel like a piece of shit for this... I never meant to hurt him... I didn't want to be a brutal friend .. and I've tried to make it right... but it's impossible now because he won't even listen to me.. he's too caught up in how "horrible" I've been... I don't know what to do other then just give him his space and let him get over shit.

Have a happy Sunday my loves! xo

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Smitten Kitten

My date last night was the best date I've ever had in my life... not only did he constantly tell me how pretty and awesome I am, but he made me feel totally at ease and completely comfortable in my own skin...

He's handsome, so funny, calm and kind, has a "live in the moment" attitude, loves adventure, and as our date went on I found myself letting go of all bitterness and totally ready to open myself up.

I know this is soon and I know it sounds ridiculous, but if things keep going the way they have for the last week and a bit I want to be with him... that's right guys, I Channy, the queen of the bitter Betty train, wants to be with someone again!!

even if things don't work out with us, he's made me realize life is much more meaningful when you have someone to share it with...

I got my heart broken, it took me a long time to heal, but I'm healed and I'm ready to move on with my life <3

Talk soon loves!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Date night.

It's been a longgggggg time since I've been on a "real" date. Well tonight, I'm going out with a new guy.. he's handsome sweet and so far seems so much like me it's insane! haha... I'm really excited for it!

I've spent so long being bitter about guys that it's been a long time since I've given anyone a fair chance to get to know me. I'm trying to change that.. I'm a very sensitive and warm girl with a really tough exterior... and it takes some time to get past the tough exterior... I'm tryin to soften up a little.. Famous last words hahaha

I'll update soon about how it goes :)

hmmm what to wear...

Talk soon my loves :) xo

Monday, March 21, 2011

feeling better

Sorry for my minor melt down last week... 22 funerals in 5 years was enough to make me snap... I'm getting past it though.. I understand that death is a part of life.. it's just a difficult topic and a difficult thing to deal with.. especially since I'm away from home for this new job.. ohhh well.. I'll get over it..

So I was chatting with a new guy that I wanted to get to know a little more.. we were supposed to have our first date on Friday but I wasn't in a mood to really meet someone new with all that's been going on so I cancelled and told him I had decided to go out with some close friends to deal with the recent loss... well he SNAPPED... Told me I'm playing games, and just looking for a reason to not hang out with him.. I explained that the way I deal with death is by going out with friends getting drunk and reminising about that person and of course tears... lots and lots of tears.. he said fine and I thought we were over it... well then last night he texted me asking if I wanted to hang out.. I was already in pjs watching the apprentice with my roomie so I wasn't in the mood to get ready and go anywhere so I said that another night would be better... one of my close friends from back home called me and I started chatting with him and we got to talking about Steve and all of the sudden my call with him turned into a half hour conversation... I get off the phone to SIX text messages from this guy.. saying things like "I feel like something's off here" "If you don't want to hang out there's no hard feelings" " I don't get why you're ignoring me" etc... as I'm responding the fucking guy CALLS me!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! Needy much?!?!?!?

I picked up and explained to him that I was on the phone and that's why I wasn't responding and that for now with what I'm dealing with I don't really have any interest in hanging out with anyone new because I'm now in a debate with myself about weather or not I should go home (I've since decided I'm sticking it out, out here) and he responds with "well that's a subtle way to blow me off.. you could've just told me you aren't interested in hanging out" .... UMMMMM ... DID THIS GUY HEAR A SINGLE WORD I'VE BEEN SAYING TO HIM!?!? my god!! This is why I don't date! Men think WE are the ones that are complicated?? This guy is more needy then my 9 year old cousin! Onnnnn to the next one.

Well I should get back to work.. I'm slackin! hahaha

Talk soon Loves :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

I really don't understand.


I didn't want to have to make a post like this again for a long time... yet just months later here I am...

I lost a friend Tuesday morning. A soldier. An amazing person. An incredible friend. He just didn't wake up.

Can someone please explain this to me?

Can someone please give me some answers?

Can someone PLEASE just fucking help me understand why the fuck people die so unjustly when they in no way deserve it. PLEASE.

I'm so sick of hearing "he's in a better place" I'm so sick of hearing "he's at peace now" I'm so sick and fucking tired of hearing "Everything happens for a reason"



Tuesday, March 8, 2011

LIfe.. is good.

Things are going well with me... Life is good... I have daily stresses but they're usual...all the things that have been stressing me and driving me crazy over the last little while seem to have sorted themselves out..

Papa's surgery went well and he's doing fine... my tests came back mostly negative at the hospital, one more procedure and I should be done with drs for a while... Work is settling and I'm finding my place... I've got some great people surrounding me out here and the ones that aren't great are gone... Life is good.

Isn't it funny how that works? One month things are a disaster and you don't know how you're possibly going to surface for air... next month all that was wrong has come together and you're doing great....

Life is up and down... always moving one way or the other... it's tough but we all need to learn to ride out the downs and celebrate the ups... there will always be something to complain about and something to be happy about... I want to start being happy more then spending my time complaining... it's exhausting always looking at what's wrong... and soo easy to forget what's going right...

I had a moment of total peace the other night... I completely cleaned my room did all my laundry and was laying on my bed listening to music while I sorted through a box of things that I brought back here with me from back home... I didn't know what was in it.. I packed it last October... in that box was a bunch of pictures of my ex and I... I also came accross a letter from him while cleaning... I had never seen the letter before and it was called "The reasons why I love Chantelle Marrie"... it was 2 pages front and back.. packed with tiny writing and a million things about me that he had fallen in love with... I cried when I read this... not because I miss him... but because there's so much emotion attached to the thought of him... He will always have a place in my heart... I will always love him in some way because he was such a huge part of my life... the pictures and the letters reminded me of what we had... we had something so pure... so real.. so strong.. something I thought would last forever... he loved me and I loved him in a way that I will never share with anyone else... those are MY memories and they were my feelings and no one else needs to understand them.. I started to burn one of the pictures... I let it burn up... and then I realized I didn't care to burn them... I have no anger anymore... I have no hatred anymore... I have no pain anymore... I have no longing anymore.. I have nothing anymore for him... nothing but happy memories of what it means to be in love and I'm excited for whoever I fall in love with next... we started dating in 2007... Broke up in 2010... and now in 2011 I feel whole again and I've let go ...

I wonder what's waiting for me over the next 5 years...

Have a good day loves xo

Monday, March 7, 2011

work work work

as I assumed this week is already INSANE! I love it!!

So I'm keepin a float and I'll be swamped alll week... if you don't hear from me you know why! haha..

Talk soon!! xo

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Spoke to Soon.

Leave it to me to jinx something! I swear as soon as I talk about how great something is going it goes to shit...

Friday I went to Ontario Man's place... his roomate ( a really good friend of mine from back home) was home and with a few friends... we had a few drinks, smoked some, played cards, and by the time I looked at the clock to head home I had, had too much to drink to drive myself home.. so I stayed there... we fucked... it was great as always and then went to bed...

I woke up and everything was different... I woke up and was instantly irritated by him.. he was making comments that were rude and I know he was joking around but the mixture of just waking up and being hung over made me annoyed by him... We got up, I made a huge yummy breakfast for everyone that was over.. we ate it and smoked some more.. and then I wanted to go for a nap before I drove home... we went into his room and he started trying to get in my pants.. now don't get me wrong.. I get it.. I said nap... he's a man... he assumed a little too quickly that I meant something different... so I explained to him that I was tired and not in the mood at the moment and just wanted to take a nap... he got up and stormed out of the room and didn't come back for like 10 minutes... so of course I get up and start getting dressed and ready to leave... typical me.. when shit gets tense a little voice in my head ALWAYS yells "RUN"... as I was about to zip up my duffle bag he comes in and goes "what are you doing?" .... I go "well you seemed upset so I was just gonna take off and take that nap back home"... he was bummed by this... told me he just simply got up to make a pot of coffee and that he wasn't upset and he's sorry if it seemed that way.. so I crawl into bed we watch a movie and then I take a shower and we had a party to celebrate his roomate's gf's b-day... we went out and played pool for a while came back to his place and drank and once again I wasn't about to drive home... so I stayed... we didn't fuck cause I passed out as soon as I hit bed haha...

This morning he tries to get with me again... I'm all for morning sex but when I've JUST woken up and I'm hung over AGAIN ... sex is the furthest thing from my mind... so of course he gets in a mood and starts being quiet and short with me... So I got up and left... correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't I just saying on Friday that I'm NOT in a relationship? sure sounds like the life of a couple right there... FUCK THAT!... sooo I'm cooling it with O.M. for a while... I don't want the drama or the petty shit that has started to come along with this... it's run it's course.. time for a new toy!

Other then all that life's been good :) allllll of my bosses are away for this entire week since it's Canadian music week so it's gonna be a lot of fun :) I'm excited to have a fun week at the office... it's going to be insanely busy and insanely overwhelming but for some reason I seem to love it that way... I'm fucked hahaha.. not much else to chat about...

hope you had a great weekend my loves! xx

Friday, March 4, 2011


I'm grumpy when I'm sick (reference March 1st post eek!)
still sick but feeling better... I'm just preparing for a big meeting I have at 11 this morning... I'm exciteddd! big things are planned and happening here :)

Not much planned for the weekend... layin low trying to get better and probably have a little fun with Ontario Man... what else is new :p lol ... I wonder how everything is going to pan out with him... You guys all know what I went through with the ex (lover boy) you went through the journey with me on here... YIKES... since then I have had NO desire what so ever to get involved with anyone... so I've kept a comfortable distance from all men and that's the way I like it... O.M. is the first guy I've let get as close as I have... it's NOT a relationship and it WON'T be one either.. But it's nice to know I have someone I can go cuddle up to and watch a movie with when I feel as shitty... or someone to listen to me when I overreact like I do... He's a great friend and someone I'll be friends with for the rest of my life but it's a unique friendship... everyone says fuck friends don't work... I've been waiting for almost 3 months now for it to "not work" seems pretty good to me so far... too good to be true maybe? ... We'll see.

I hope you guys have a great weekend :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

So fucking sick.

ugh... fevered... achey... shaking like a leaf.... and I'm at work... and does anyone even bother to ask how I'm feeling or doing? No. They all just continue to yell and be obnoxious and interupt me and yell while I'm on the phone and it's fucking driving me crazy... I'm going to snap today. I can feel it. Let's hope my boss sends me home before that point.