Life Changes

Tomorrow is September 1st 2011

I don't know how it came so fast, but it has. It's here.

From September 2009 until June 2010 I was going to the gym more days than I wasn't. I was eating right, I was barely ever smoking, and I was doing things the way that I wanted. I hated the gym don't get me wrong, but I loved the 45 pounds I was able to drop from the changes I had made. It was just a quick 45 mins to an hour 4 or 5 nights a week and it was paying off.. Then in March of 2010 I got a job that required a lot of heavy lifting and a lot of cardio so by June I had stopped going to the gym to save money, and changed my job into my new work out routine.

October 2010 I quit that job to up and move across the country for a desk job, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm cursed with emotional eating and because I was so far from home and things were so difficult in the beginning, that's what I began to do. I haven't gained all of that weight back, but I've certainly gained since getting here. I swore to myself that I would never again see 180 or higher on a scale again. I haven't gotten that high again, but I'm getting higher than I want to be.

So why am I rambling on endlessly about this?? Well, back in July I put a big fat red circle around September 1st 2011 on my calendar in my room. I promised my self that day was going to be the end of excuses, and complaints. It was going to be the beginning of getting my shit together and finding a better balance in my life.

Tomorrow, I start Crossfit. Tomorrow, I quit drinking. Tomorrow, I cut back my smoking even further. Tomorrow I change my diet.

Tomorrow I change my life and I will fucking keep it that way.

Life

I've said it before and I'll say it again... and again... Life has a fucked up, yet beautiful way of working it'self out.

I'm finally feeling like I belong at work.. finally feeling like people accept me, and get me, and want me around..

I'm not interested in any guys what-so-ever right now, and I'm ok with that (in retrospect houdini would have been negative for me)..

I'm in the process of finding a new car, I have a new bed, and I feel like I'm getting somewhere..

And last but certainly not least, I'm FINALLY starting to hear back about on-air gigs which is what I really want to do more than anything!

There's still stuff to work through... there's still time for it all to go back to hell... but for right now I'm on a high in life.. and I'm gonna enjoy it!

Ps I'm starting crossfit on Thursday... time to kick my own ass into shape!

Love love love xo

Time away.

I've started writing recolections of my childhood memories.. some painful, some happy, some right, some wrong. Together they make who I am, who I'm not, and who I aspire to be.

I'll be taking a break from here for a while... If something earth shattering happens I will be sure to post.. other than that.. it's time for a new writing venture.

Love you!

My turn to be Houdini.

If I'm being honest with myself... which I usually am.

I'm not interested anymore in being with Houdini... Monday night I went to him, I was there for him, and since I haven't heard a word from him except to let me know he'll get my roomie's DVD that I forgot over there back to me..

The first reason I am no longer interested? I hate people who take but never give.

Second, I don't plan on staying in this city for too much longer, I've been applying for jobs all over and will take whatever opportunity opens up for me.

Third, I don't chase guys, I never have. The chasing is the boy's job! Since he has stopped actively pursuing, the more I think about it the less interested in him I become.


I have fun with him, and I will hang out when it suits me, but I'm not interested in being with him anymore.

I feel a lot better today than I have in a few weeks. Bye bye Houdini :)

I have yet to find this... but I will wait.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."


— Bob Marley

I'm pretty sure I'm challenged..

When it comes to Houdini I'm DEFINITELY challenged.

He called me really upset last night... one of his best friends is going to jail... his friend tried to call Houdini on Saturday and Houdini didn't return his call.. so he was really feeling like shit and like a terrible friend.. so I told him to forget about our talk.. The friend situation was obviously wayyyyy more important than whatever was going on with up... He called me really choked up and asked if I would come over... I care about him so of course I went.. I couldn't just let him sit at home and cry when I knew I could go over and have him back to smiles.. so I went over, we talked about his friend, we talked about what's new with each other, and we watched a movie.. I ended up spending the night and of course, being the idiot that I am, we hooked up.

Now this morning I'm right back to square one.. wtf was I thinking? I really don't know.. I've had the worst shit with guys over the past 8 months... just hurt after hurt after hurt... Dating is so hard!


The thing is, usually I write them off when they start to hurt me or show the slightest sign of being unreliable.. I hurt about it for a while, cry a little, and then a couple weeks later I'm back to normal.. For whatever reason, even after not seeing Houdini for THREE weeks, I still can't let go.. something keeps me going back to him... I haven't felt like that since all that shit with Jake and that scares the shit out of me!! The last thing I want is a repeat, I learned my lesson there!! I think mostly I just want answers... I want to know why he's this way... I want to know the truth... and then I'll be able to move on.. Yesterday I thought there was no way in hell I'd ever want to be with Houdini.. then as soon as he called me upset my heart melted and I just wanted to make everything better for him... wtf is wrong with me??


Seriously.. I'm pretty sure I'm challenged.

Domesticated???

Those who know me well know I'm a guys girl... I'm a beer drinking, smoking, loud mouth, who laughs at inapropriate things, loves sports, loves everything outdoors, HATES shopping, and is completely clueless when it comes to being girly..

This weekend all of the sudden I turned into this domesticated susie home maker!! before moving out here I was tidy but my room was always a mess... since moving here I've turned into a bit of a neat freak... I literally spent my weekend cleaning EVERYTHING in my house from top to bottom, I went shopping and bought some clothes, I baked muffins, I went grocery shopping, AND I got alllll of my laundry done in one day (first time in my life I've done it all in a day)... WTF!?!? I have no idea what got into me or why... I was back to normal yesterday though, drinkin beer on the deck in the sunshine with some friends so I'm not TOOOO scared hahaha.. it was a really nice weekend and it feels great to have a clean house now that my messy roomie is going away for a few weeks..

Houdini was texting me NON STOP this weekend.. I didn't respond to any of them and he just wouldn't let up... finally last night I got a text that said "Can we talk in person? Just go for a coffee with me Chantelle. Please." ... I texted back asking what he could possibly want to talk about... I mean I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks now since he showed up at my door in the middle of the night apologizing for how he's been... he said he just wants to explain the thought process in his mind and why he's been acting the way he has... so I'm gonna go for it.. I'm going to go, I'm going to demand answers and figure out what the fuck has been going through his mind... Once I have answers, I'll stop thinking about it so damn much and move on with a new friend.

My sister's not doing so well.. she's at ease and happy with my nan.. but of course she's upset.. I hate that she's going through the same pain that I did at her age.. I used to shelter her from that and keep her happy and safe. Now that I'm out here I can't do that and it breaks my heart.. I know she'll pull through. The problem is, she's so much like her mother she's making the same mistakes her mother has spent so many years making... I'm afraid she's her own worst enemy right now and she's a little too old to blame it on being a "teenager" anymore.

My brother found a new job and I'm super happy for him! He's such a dedicated kid!! Loses his job and less than a week later already has a new one?? I'm glad he at least learned how to work hard! :)

Mom's still a wreck.. but that's just mom.. she's always been manic... this is one of her down swings.. .all I can do is be there for her to listen to her and love her.. she'll pull through...

Work is getting crazy... the biggest station event of the year happens next Tuesday and I've been in charge of every single aspect of it.. I"m PRAYING that it all goes off without a hitch... I'm literally having nightmares about it every night hahaha..

that's all from me today.. hope everyone is spectacular :)

Clueless

If there's one area in life where I am absolutely CLUELESS, it's men.

Houdini keeps popping up here and there texting random things.. and now he wants me to go to his band's show in a few weeks?? Fuck I'm just over thinking about him.. I want him out of my head.. I don't even like him that much, so why he's occupying my head is beyondddd me!!!

It's Friday (thank god) and I'm hoping this weekend will be a fun one.. I'd love to grab a couple patio beers and relax in the sunshine for some of it... we'll see how our station is on- site and go from there..

well it's back to work for this girl.. hope you all have an awesome weekend :)

Busy bee

Things are starting to get a little better... My brother's on the job hunt, and my sis is safe and sound with nana and papa..

My mom is a whole different story.. but that's nothing new.

I'm itching to start a new adventure... find a new job, in a new city or province and start new...

Let's see what I can come up with :)

Tired...

Everyone has days where they feel like the weight of the world is on thier shoulders... today is that day for me.


My little brother lost his job.. him and 5 other people were let go from the shop he works at because they just aren't making enough money... This news comes to him after he got kicked out of my mom's place... My mom and I are the only family he has.. so now I'm the only family he has.. I just sent him some money and helped him get set up in his own place and now he's lost his job... I had to send him every last penny I have today so that he can keep his car on the road so that he can find a new job... I have no problem with this.. he is my brother.. I'd give him the world if I had it.. It's just stressful because now I have to make it through another week broke..

My mom called today... she's having a mental break down... wants to leave her bf.. wants to move... but she has no friends, she has no family, and I'm her only form of support... with me on the job hunt I can't tell her to come out here cause I don't know how much longer I'll even be here... I wish so badly I could just be there for her..

My sister facebooked me this morning from the public library... her and my PSYCHOTIC ex step mom (her mother) got in a huge fight this morning.. Not at all surprising as this happens all the time.. the difference this time is I'm not there to go pick her up and bail her out.. so I had to call my grandparents and get them to go to Toronto to get her.. they're on route and while they are I'm keeping her on facebook trying to make her feel better...

Work is so stressful... we're gearing up for ratings and it's just insane...

I'm exhausted and I don't know how to keep swimming right now..

As selfish as it sounds I just wish for once my family could take care of themselves.. I can't keep being everyone's support and rock.. it's killing me.

I'm tired.

Summer time...

And the livin's easy :)

Houdini (the guy I was talking about in my last post) showed up at my door last Friday.. Apologized for being such a flake, said he's super sorry for pushing me aside, gave me a big bouquet of lillies and played me a song he wrote for me on his guitar... so sweet and so cute.. as we got talking though, he said it's normal for him to have super busy weeks where he works day and night, and it's not unusual for him to not text or call for a couple/few days at a time... I told him the apology was super sweet and thoughtful but if that's how he is, this wasn't going to work... We hung out for a while and chatted a bit.. he asked if he could stay the night even though he had to work the next morning and I just told him I thought it was best that he leave.. I made sure to express that I still care for him, but I wanted time to think and make sure I wasn't just wrapped up in how sweet he was being at the moment... His phone is busted (literally in 3 pieces he showed me when he came over haha) so I wrote my number down for him and told him I'd love to see him again and to get in touch when he could....

Well... that was Friday... today is Thursday... I haven't heard a single peep... No facebook messages no calls, nothing.. so I made the right decision.. the longer I go without talking to him the less I care.. so I hope he doesn't pull anything this weekend and try to show up and hang out again.. I'm over it.. When you want to make it work you make it work... he has not put in enough effort for me to be concerned.


Work's starting to get really slammed again... ratings are coming soon so that means HUGE promotions and HUGE contests... work work work .. haha .. but it also means that work will be fun and the next couple months will fly.. while the next two days stay a little lighter I'm going to enjoy it...

I must go.. Lunch break is overrrr... talk soon! xo