Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Am I crazy??

I feel like a skitzo!

One minute I hate Jake for all that he's done.

The next I miss him more then I can stand.

I'm done trying to get him back but I feel like if he made a solid effort and actually tried to win me back I'd probably get back with him. I know it sounds stupid and I wish I could explain it to myself but my heart is so in love with him and sometimes couples come away from stuff like this stronger then they were before.

I mean I've had friends that have actually slept with the other person and had relationships with the other person yet the couple still got through it and ended up great because once what they had was gone they realised it wasn't worth it.

I know Jake and I had bad times. Everyone does. But my god, when times were good... they were incredible. Better then any times I've ever had.

He has been on this rampage since we broke up... has slept with about 5 girls and gets drunk all the time... tells me it's over... but then when I finally stopped tryin to get him back I think he may have realised.

Yesterday he texts me when he read my status that said I was in the hospital (he's the one that's ALWAYS been by my side for everything to do with my kidney) asking if I'm ok, so we start small talk... which turns into reminising.

then I say good night and today he messages me and says " I forgot the good times chantelle and for that I'm sorry. When you hurt me I just focused on all the bad and thought getting drunk and being with random girls would fix everything. god was I wrong"

I said, "I'm sorry that you don't remember Jake because we has some amazing memories. Some of my best memories are with you."

I say "it's nice to be talking to you with out fighting and anamosity"

He says "well I guess when you aren't anything anymore there's less to fight about"

I say "Ya I guess.. ouch though.. the truth hurts"

He says" ya but it is the truth."

Me "Ya but sometimes I forget that and hope that someday we'll be us again. thus why I'm going away"

Him " You think going to Florida will make us again?"

Me " No I think it's goin to help me let go... you keep tellin me it's over yet I still want you back. the only thing I can think of that will give you what you want is to put 3000 miles between us and be where not EVERY single thing reminds me of you... I want you to be happy. even if that's without me. So I'm trying to do what you want me to and let go."

Him "what if that's only what I thought I wanted?"

Me ''What the hell does that mean?"

Him " I've never stopped loving you or missing you. I know I haven't shown it, I just don't know if you're right for me anymore that's the problem."

UGH why does love have to be so confusing?

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Trip to Emerge.

Well I'm just waiting at work for my replacement to get here so I can go to the hospital. Oh Joy...

You'll never guess what's wrong?/

Yep that's right my kidney.


Sunday, September 13, 2009

The end of what I thought was my life...

I talked to him a few times this week... it was wierd... we reminised.. we laughed... I cried...

I didn't realise it until now, but this whole time there was a part of me hidden away that still thought I had a chance... he made it clear that little part of me is wrong.

"We're too different Chantelle... you're and extravert I'm and introvert... You don't live for soccer like I do... We're not compatible.."

"I'm moving on Chantelle... I love you and I miss you and think of you everyday... I'm in limbo land.. I feel like no matter what I do in this situation I'm going to be unhappy but I have to start having more respect for myself.. I can't take back another girl that has treated me wrong."

" I thought we were meant to be but we never were. you and I were both wrong so I'm letting go"

The most hurtful words that have ever been said to me came from that conversation.

each and everyone stabbed a pain through my heart and made me literally want to be sick.

I feel pathetic for missing him

I feel ridiculous for loving him

and worst of all I feel lost without him.

I know now that it's finally time for me to let go. it's just so hard when you love someone and when you've opened up to them and shared things with them that no one else will ever know or understand. I wish this was easier.

I get my stuff from his place next weekend and that's it. no more talking again.

I can't wait to get to Florida and be away from him and his memory.

This is the end of what I thought was my life.. and the journey to figure out what really is.

Wednesday, September 9, 2009

Sunsets and broken dreams

Ever walk along the beach close to the water and watch behind you?

As you walk with one or two washes of waves your foot prints are gone... no one will know you were there except for the people close to you.. you just wash away...

In so many ways I feel like that's what life is like... all it takes is something simple. A car accident... being in the wrong place at the wrong time... or even just you weren't supposed to be here long... and your life is washed away.

If I die tomorrow, I would regret what I've done, regret things that I've said, and miss EVERYONE terribly.

If I die tomorrow, I'd be happy with what I've accomplished, happy with terms I'm on with my family finally.

IF I died tomorrow, I think there are many things I would want to take back.

It's definately time for me to change... before it's too late.

Tuesday, September 8, 2009

Big Changes lay ahead.

I found out Friday that my job contract won't be renewed so it's time to make some serious decisions. After thinking a lot about it I've decided that I'm going to Florida at the end of October. Don't know when I'll be back... don't know where I'll end up... but I'm leaving.

I need to get out of this place... Everyday I hear something about him... something about what he's done. who he's done. what's new in his life... and everyday, literally every day I still miss him.

I'm gonna go to Florida, get myself right, and then come back me again. when I come back I'll be able to deal with my problems. I'm just so depressed... I've had thoughts that no one should ever have and I am not myself. I hope going away will allow me to get things in check and I'll come back a stronger more put together person able to deal with everything that I'm leaving behind.

Big Changes Lay Ahead... I hope that I'm ready !