Wednesday, December 7, 2011


Holy shit!!

So sorry I've neglected my poor little blog.. although no one really reads it so it's not a big deal :p

Well I'm settled finally, the new job is great! I wish I had a position that was just full time on-air and no promotions, but you can't always have everything. I have a lot to update about so here we go...

1. Work- The new job is going really well! It's been a major adjustment and a lot of change but I'm getting the hang of it.. I'm on- air on Saturday and Sunday (and I cover for anyone that's away) and Wednesday- Friday I do promotions. About a month after getting here they put me in charge of the promotions department. Pretty funny considering I left my last job to start trying to get a little more into announcing and a little less in promotions. Ohhh well, I'm good at promo and it is a pretty fun gig aside from the major stress and crazy hours. The office I work in, is incredibly nice! There are a couple people I could do without, but that's how every office is. I just keep focused on the good stuff and when it gets bad try to ignore it.

2. Living- Life is good, I unfortunately can't afford Cross-fit anymore, and I miss it pretty much everyday. It had become my outlet, and while I could do it from home, it's just not the same without an instructor like my old one to push me. I'm currently staying with the owners of the station I work with (crazy that they're that kind I know) they are 2 of the most amazing people I've ever met, and their vision for radio is exactly what I think radio should be. It's great!

3.Car- I bought a car!! Yayyyyy!!! I got a 2001 Honda Civic and it's fantastic!! Drives like a dream, is great on gas, just the perfect little car for me, and I got a greatttttt deal on it! :)

4.Boyfriend- No, you're not reading that wrong I said Boyfriend.  I didn't think I'd use that word again anymore than you did. I have a bf, we've been hanging out since shortly after I moved here and on November 9th we made it official.. I'd love to say it's been all roses but it hasn't... He's a phenomenal guy, truly one of the best men I've ever met. He's funny, handsome, sweet, honest, loyal, kind, the list goes on and on. So why has it not been all roses you ask? It's me. I'm still so damn hesitant about caring for someone. He's a little immature and makes honest mistakes with us from lack of experience in a relationship sometimes. Instead of talking about it and trying to be understanding I was throwing up walls and shutting down. I'm so damn good at running it scares me. The first sign of trouble and I just want to bolt. It's how I've been ever since the last serious relationship. For one reason or another though, this one has been able to break through some of those walls, he's the first guy I've let in on a deeper level than fucking in 2 years now, to me that means there's something worth experiencing here. I'll keep you updated :)

I'm off to work... covering evenings this week so I work till midnight every night.. UGH! The good news is tomorrow all on-air shifts go back to normal, and I booked Sunday off so I get a 3 day birthday weekend (my bday's soon) YAY!!!

Must go.. chat soon xo.


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I just might throw up...

HOLY!!! I got a call yesterday with a job offer... sent off my resignation letter and away I am about to go...

What the fuck just happened? Pardon??

My last day here is next Friday and then it's off to a new job which will be on-air, and promotions combined to make a full time job :)

My second in the industry since leaving school just over 2 years ago.. holy man how time flies!!

I feel excited, happy, pumped, stressed, and like I just might throw up all at once! haha

I will miss everyone I work with, some more than others, but I'll still miss them none the less. I wish this company great success in the future and hope that I can be a part of their team again one day.

I live for challenges and adventure.. Let's start a new chapter!! :)

Monday, September 19, 2011

Happy :)

Life is good, and now that it is I find it hard to find things to blog about... weird how when you're head's cluttered with negativity it's so much easier to write and release.. my release now is Crossfit.. I had an amazing work out Saturday (Killed myself for 3 hours becuase I was super frustrated with some things) and again yesterday had a great work out at home.. it feels good to have a positive outlet in my life. My muscles kill but it's an awesome reminder that I'm changing and growing.

"Pain is temporary. Quitting is forever."

The more I stick to this the more I see how I'm growing physically, but also emotionally. I'm more rational, I feel more stable, I have a clear conscience and mind. I feel stronger and better all around and it's a great feeling.

Dreamy and I are "dating".. we've agreed we both wanna take it slow, no expectations, just have fun with eachother and let it be what it is.. it almost all ended on Saturday. He told me he could see me as a girlfriend "eventually" but that he wasn't looking that far into the future. I told him that maybe we were just better off as friends then. He called later that night saying that he has feelings for me and he wants me in his life and that he doesn't want to be just friends. I feel the same, and I'm not sure I'm necesarily ready for him to be my "boyfriend" but I like dating him and having him around, and we've agreed that we won't see anyone else while we feel this out. :) What more can I ask for? The thought of commitment scares the shit outta me!! The only commitment I've made here is for him to be the only guy I see for now.. if I change my mind about that or if he changes his mind, we can talk about it then. Much easier than the pressure others put on themselves.

I got a call from a station an hour and a bit away from here, asking me how I would feel about an on-air/promotions combination..I told him if the money's enough for me to survive I would LOVE the opportunity.. now I wait to see what comes of it :) I'll hear from them sometime this week and I'm stoked about it!

Things are going my way, and I'm super thankful for it... I don't have the time for negative shit in my life, either you're on my side or you're not. I don't have the headspace for negativity anymore. When things get negative I drop them, I learned that lesson this weekend with Dreamy. It sucked but I went to crossfit and felt comfortable just letting it be.

New Channie? She's my favourite so far!

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Sigh ...

It's been a while since I've had a bad day... I'm not sure that this is necessarily a "bad" one, but it's certainly not as good as I wanted it to be.

My baby bro's in a bit of trouble.. Someone slashed all 4 of his tires and key'd his car really bad! He needs help financially and I'm not sure that I can provide it.. in a way I know it's unrealistic for me to expect to be able to save him right away, but I feel like I've failed him in a way.. I'm going to give him what I can afford to give and the rest he'll have to figure out on his own.. poor kid :(

work is insane... my boss has gone away for a week and a half and the work is just piling up.. so I'm feeling the stress right now.

McDreamy I'm really not sure how I feel about him or what to think about him.. we have a ton of fun together but lately I'm feelin like he's only into this for the physical side of things.. he left this morning for a week with work.. I messaged him this morn before he flew out saying "safe flight!" he messaged back sayin "it's not like I'm flying the plane or anything, I just have to "sit" haha" to which I said "it's still a good omen to wish someone a safe flight! Sheesh! :p"  he responded with (and this is where I get bothered) "another good omen is to show them your underwear ;) I'm about to get on the plane, quick! Send me a good luck pic"
Now I'm not trying to sound like a stuck up bitch here, but is it really too much to ask for a "have a great day" or  a "how was your sleep?" before we jump right into you wanting something sexual from me??
It's his way of flirting, and I'm flattered that I'm on his mind, but it's frustrating to me in some ways. I don't want this to be a totally sexual thing and nothing else. I want him to know me and like me and want to talk to me. Not just want in my pants..

We'll see how things go.. I'm not saying it will or it won't work yet.

Day 14 of not smoking- I don't miss it. I'm happy that I quit, although my work days are tougher sometimes without them.

Day 14 of not getting drunk- this has been the toughest part for me. I usually get drunk when I'm stressed and not has been a new experience for me. I'm excited about it though :)

Day 14 of clean eating- It feels great! Feels really great! My body is less tired, I have more energy, and I feel better in general.

Day 14 of crossfit- I kicked crossfit's ass last night! Finished my work out 4 minutes faster than anyone else in the class, and RAN 1200 meters... I couldn't even run 400 the first class... I've been killing myself and it's paying off :)

I'm off for now! talk soon! xo

Tuesday, September 13, 2011


My life has always been chaos. Work this, work that, cell ringing from work, cell ringing from stressed out brother, cell ringing from stressed out sister, stressed out mother, stressed out friends, more work, repeat, and that's good day!

Why am I rambling here? I'm not complaining, I love my life, I'm just trying to give a taste of the speed that everything flies by in my life. (Get to your point Chantelle)

Lately, I've had the same chaos as usual, in fact I've had even more with all the changes I've made, McDreamy and I are hanging out often, I'm way busier in the week now than I have been in quite some time, yet some how through it all, there's a calm and peace that has set in me. I feel in control (aside from the boy), I feel less stressed, I'm smiling constantly and things are going well. I wake up stoked for each day instead of not wanting to wake up.

I should have made these changes long ago, they have made a world of difference in the way I live my life.

Thursday, September 8, 2011

Proud of myself...

For the first time in over a year now, I'm making the right decisions with my life and I'm sticking to them!

1. Excersize.- I've started crossfit, and even though it kicks my ass I love it and I'm going to keep challenging myself with it!

2. Diet. - I've started "clean" eating.. no more junk! Less sugar, etc.

3. Not smoking.- 8 days smoke free and I KNOW I'll never go back to it again!

4. Not getting wasted all the time.- it's been 4 weeks since the last time I got wasted. That doesn't sound like much to the average person but I used to get wasted at least twice a week.

5. Respecting myself.- I've met a guy who is so totally amazing. We'll call him McDreamy, cause he really is my McDreamy, I'm into him, he's into me, we're into the same sports teams and music, we have the same interests, we're just a really great match and we click soooo well. He has just recently moved out here, I had met him before, but until he started working as a rep that works in some ways with our station (a couple weeks ago) I wasn't sure we'd ever have a future. Now that he's moved here we've started getting much closer and we click soooo well. He had a gf back in the town he moved here from so I was very apprehensive... they'd been together for a couple months and weren't anything serious, but they were still together none the less... They've recently broken up, and I want to just instantly go hang out with him, instantly be dating him, but I know I need to give him time... So last night I told him that I don't want to talk for a little while ..I said that I want him to take space to clear his head and figure things out and when he's ready I want him to come to me...even though he didn't love his girl breaking up still sucks. I'm a 22 year old blonde that loves sports and rock music and is into the same stuff as him.. it's so easy to leave someone who's a province away if you know you have someone else to fall back on you know?

I told him that I didn't want it to be like that. I told him I'm worth more than just a fuck or whatever and that I wanted to do this right ...

he said that I'm right, that I'm worth WAYYYY more than that. That I'm one of the most incredible, inspiring and beautiful people he's ever met. He said he wouldn't be able to bear it if he caused me pain, that he doesn't want me to have to work for this, but that HE wants to work for it. He thanked me for being patient and laying my boundaries and giving him time to sort everything out...

So I'm going to let him come to me.. To be honest, with how I feel at this point I'll wait for as long as he needs to clear his head and get things together.

For the first time in a long time I'm proud of myself, I'm feeling better about myself, I'm happier, and I have FINALLY taken control of things and taken MY life back. Something I haven't been able to do since everything fell apart when Jake left... it took me a long time but everyone's process is different... I'm happy with mine :)

Sorry for the mile long update... just wanted to share. xo

When you want success as bad as you want to breathe-

You'll be successful.

This quote struck me with resonating power this morning.

it comes from a story that goes like this.

One day a young man told an old retired man who had been very successful in his life that he wanted to be as successful as the old man.

The old man said "son, meet me at the beach first thing tomorrow morning and I'll teach you the secret of success"

The young man showed up the next morning at the beach in his best suit.

The old man chuckled and said "you should have worn shorts."

The old man then said "now, follow me." and began to walk into the water.

They walked out a ways and the young man said "I want to learn how to be successful, not ruin one of my best suits"

"You asked to learn the secret of success. Keep walking" the old man replied.

He walked a little further and stopped again "I think I'm going to go back in. This is ridiculous!" the young man said.

"You want success. Keep walking. Just a little further."

The young man did as he was told and once again started doubting as the water was getting up past his belly button.

Finally the old man stopped ahead of him and said "Just a little further"

Once the young man was out where the older man was, the older man grabbed him, pushed him under the water and held him there. Held him there for a long time. He held the young man under until he was almost entirely out of breath.

He finally released the young man who immediately jumped up and began to gasp for air.

The old man said "Now, when you want success as bad as you just wanted to breathe, you will be successful. When you want success more than you want to sleep, you will be successful. When you want success more than you want to party, more than you want a girlfriend, more than you want anything, you WILL be successful."

I have always wanted success more than anything in my life. I have always had a burning desire to be something greater than I am. To be better than the low lifes in my family. To be as successful as my grandparents. This story is how I feel everyday, and I think it's why I've made it as far as I have, and why I've been as strong as I have.

YOU are human, YOU have the resolve to have everything you've ever dreamed, all you HAVE to do, is WANT it, as bad as you want to breathe everyday.

Tuesday, September 6, 2011

Day 6.

Day 6 of being smoke free. Day 6 of sticking to a work out and diet plan. Day 6 of changes.

Isn't this supposed to be hard?

If it is, I'm doing something wrong, because it's not hard for me.

I'm enjoying it, I'm looking forward to getting my ass kicked at crossfit tonight, and I LOVE not smoking..

I'm a very lucky girl. Once I set my mind to something and decide I want it, I always get there. ALWAYS.

I have ups and downs, but I LOVE my life! :)

Thursday, September 1, 2011

Dooms day... well not really haha

Today is Crossfit day.. Quitting smoking day.. and quitting drinking (ish) day... I'm just a big fat quitter! haha.

I'm excited, nervous, and proud of myself already.. If I don't die, I'll update after I go!

Wednesday, August 31, 2011

Life Changes

Tomorrow is September 1st 2011

I don't know how it came so fast, but it has. It's here.

From September 2009 until June 2010 I was going to the gym more days than I wasn't. I was eating right, I was barely ever smoking, and I was doing things the way that I wanted. I hated the gym don't get me wrong, but I loved the 45 pounds I was able to drop from the changes I had made. It was just a quick 45 mins to an hour 4 or 5 nights a week and it was paying off.. Then in March of 2010 I got a job that required a lot of heavy lifting and a lot of cardio so by June I had stopped going to the gym to save money, and changed my job into my new work out routine.

October 2010 I quit that job to up and move across the country for a desk job, one of the hardest things I've ever had to do. I'm cursed with emotional eating and because I was so far from home and things were so difficult in the beginning, that's what I began to do. I haven't gained all of that weight back, but I've certainly gained since getting here. I swore to myself that I would never again see 180 or higher on a scale again. I haven't gotten that high again, but I'm getting higher than I want to be.

So why am I rambling on endlessly about this?? Well, back in July I put a big fat red circle around September 1st 2011 on my calendar in my room. I promised my self that day was going to be the end of excuses, and complaints. It was going to be the beginning of getting my shit together and finding a better balance in my life.

Tomorrow, I start Crossfit. Tomorrow, I quit drinking. Tomorrow, I cut back my smoking even further. Tomorrow I change my diet.

Tomorrow I change my life and I will fucking keep it that way.

Tuesday, August 30, 2011


I've said it before and I'll say it again... and again... Life has a fucked up, yet beautiful way of working it'self out.

I'm finally feeling like I belong at work.. finally feeling like people accept me, and get me, and want me around..

I'm not interested in any guys what-so-ever right now, and I'm ok with that (in retrospect houdini would have been negative for me)..

I'm in the process of finding a new car, I have a new bed, and I feel like I'm getting somewhere..

And last but certainly not least, I'm FINALLY starting to hear back about on-air gigs which is what I really want to do more than anything!

There's still stuff to work through... there's still time for it all to go back to hell... but for right now I'm on a high in life.. and I'm gonna enjoy it!

Ps I'm starting crossfit on Thursday... time to kick my own ass into shape!

Love love love xo

Monday, August 22, 2011

Time away.

I've started writing recolections of my childhood memories.. some painful, some happy, some right, some wrong. Together they make who I am, who I'm not, and who I aspire to be.

I'll be taking a break from here for a while... If something earth shattering happens I will be sure to post.. other than that.. it's time for a new writing venture.

Love you!

Wednesday, August 17, 2011

My turn to be Houdini.

If I'm being honest with myself... which I usually am.

I'm not interested anymore in being with Houdini... Monday night I went to him, I was there for him, and since I haven't heard a word from him except to let me know he'll get my roomie's DVD that I forgot over there back to me..

The first reason I am no longer interested? I hate people who take but never give.

Second, I don't plan on staying in this city for too much longer, I've been applying for jobs all over and will take whatever opportunity opens up for me.

Third, I don't chase guys, I never have. The chasing is the boy's job! Since he has stopped actively pursuing, the more I think about it the less interested in him I become.

I have fun with him, and I will hang out when it suits me, but I'm not interested in being with him anymore.

I feel a lot better today than I have in a few weeks. Bye bye Houdini :)

Tuesday, August 16, 2011

I have yet to find this... but I will wait.

"Only once in your life, I truly believe, you find someone who can completely turn your world around. You tell them things that you’ve never shared with another soul and they absorb everything you say and actually want to hear more. You share hopes for the future, dreams that will never come true, goals that were never achieved and the many disappointments life has thrown at you. When something wonderful happens, you can’t wait to tell them about it, knowing they will share in your excitement. They are not embarrassed to cry with you when you are hurting or laugh with you when you make a fool of yourself. Never do they hurt your feelings or make you feel like you are not good enough, but rather they build you up and show you the things about yourself that make you special and even beautiful. There is never any pressure, jealousy or competition but only a quiet calmness when they are around. You can be yourself and not worry about what they will think of you because they love you for who you are. The things that seem insignificant to most people such as a note, song or walk become invaluable treasures kept safe in your heart to cherish forever. Memories of your childhood come back and are so clear and vivid it’s like being young again. Colours seem brighter and more brilliant. Laughter seems part of daily life where before it was infrequent or didn’t exist at all. A phone call or two during the day helps to get you through a long day’s work and always brings a smile to your face. In their presence, there’s no need for continuous conversation, but you find you’re quite content in just having them nearby. Things that never interested you before become fascinating because you know they are important to this person who is so special to you. You think of this person on every occasion and in everything you do. Simple things bring them to mind like a pale blue sky, gentle wind or even a storm cloud on the horizon. You open your heart knowing that there’s a chance it may be broken one day and in opening your heart, you experience a love and joy that you never dreamed possible. You find that being vulnerable is the only way to allow your heart to feel true pleasure that’s so real it scares you. You find strength in knowing you have a true friend and possibly a soul mate who will remain loyal to the end. Life seems completely different, exciting and worthwhile. Your only hope and security is in knowing that they are a part of your life."

— Bob Marley

I'm pretty sure I'm challenged..

When it comes to Houdini I'm DEFINITELY challenged.

He called me really upset last night... one of his best friends is going to jail... his friend tried to call Houdini on Saturday and Houdini didn't return his call.. so he was really feeling like shit and like a terrible friend.. so I told him to forget about our talk.. The friend situation was obviously wayyyyy more important than whatever was going on with up... He called me really choked up and asked if I would come over... I care about him so of course I went.. I couldn't just let him sit at home and cry when I knew I could go over and have him back to smiles.. so I went over, we talked about his friend, we talked about what's new with each other, and we watched a movie.. I ended up spending the night and of course, being the idiot that I am, we hooked up.

Now this morning I'm right back to square one.. wtf was I thinking? I really don't know.. I've had the worst shit with guys over the past 8 months... just hurt after hurt after hurt... Dating is so hard!

The thing is, usually I write them off when they start to hurt me or show the slightest sign of being unreliable.. I hurt about it for a while, cry a little, and then a couple weeks later I'm back to normal.. For whatever reason, even after not seeing Houdini for THREE weeks, I still can't let go.. something keeps me going back to him... I haven't felt like that since all that shit with Jake and that scares the shit out of me!! The last thing I want is a repeat, I learned my lesson there!! I think mostly I just want answers... I want to know why he's this way... I want to know the truth... and then I'll be able to move on.. Yesterday I thought there was no way in hell I'd ever want to be with Houdini.. then as soon as he called me upset my heart melted and I just wanted to make everything better for him... wtf is wrong with me??

Seriously.. I'm pretty sure I'm challenged.

Monday, August 15, 2011


Those who know me well know I'm a guys girl... I'm a beer drinking, smoking, loud mouth, who laughs at inapropriate things, loves sports, loves everything outdoors, HATES shopping, and is completely clueless when it comes to being girly..

This weekend all of the sudden I turned into this domesticated susie home maker!! before moving out here I was tidy but my room was always a mess... since moving here I've turned into a bit of a neat freak... I literally spent my weekend cleaning EVERYTHING in my house from top to bottom, I went shopping and bought some clothes, I baked muffins, I went grocery shopping, AND I got alllll of my laundry done in one day (first time in my life I've done it all in a day)... WTF!?!? I have no idea what got into me or why... I was back to normal yesterday though, drinkin beer on the deck in the sunshine with some friends so I'm not TOOOO scared hahaha.. it was a really nice weekend and it feels great to have a clean house now that my messy roomie is going away for a few weeks..

Houdini was texting me NON STOP this weekend.. I didn't respond to any of them and he just wouldn't let up... finally last night I got a text that said "Can we talk in person? Just go for a coffee with me Chantelle. Please." ... I texted back asking what he could possibly want to talk about... I mean I haven't seen him in almost 3 weeks now since he showed up at my door in the middle of the night apologizing for how he's been... he said he just wants to explain the thought process in his mind and why he's been acting the way he has... so I'm gonna go for it.. I'm going to go, I'm going to demand answers and figure out what the fuck has been going through his mind... Once I have answers, I'll stop thinking about it so damn much and move on with a new friend.

My sister's not doing so well.. she's at ease and happy with my nan.. but of course she's upset.. I hate that she's going through the same pain that I did at her age.. I used to shelter her from that and keep her happy and safe. Now that I'm out here I can't do that and it breaks my heart.. I know she'll pull through. The problem is, she's so much like her mother she's making the same mistakes her mother has spent so many years making... I'm afraid she's her own worst enemy right now and she's a little too old to blame it on being a "teenager" anymore.

My brother found a new job and I'm super happy for him! He's such a dedicated kid!! Loses his job and less than a week later already has a new one?? I'm glad he at least learned how to work hard! :)

Mom's still a wreck.. but that's just mom.. she's always been manic... this is one of her down swings.. .all I can do is be there for her to listen to her and love her.. she'll pull through...

Work is getting crazy... the biggest station event of the year happens next Tuesday and I've been in charge of every single aspect of it.. I"m PRAYING that it all goes off without a hitch... I'm literally having nightmares about it every night hahaha..

that's all from me today.. hope everyone is spectacular :)

Friday, August 12, 2011


If there's one area in life where I am absolutely CLUELESS, it's men.

Houdini keeps popping up here and there texting random things.. and now he wants me to go to his band's show in a few weeks?? Fuck I'm just over thinking about him.. I want him out of my head.. I don't even like him that much, so why he's occupying my head is beyondddd me!!!

It's Friday (thank god) and I'm hoping this weekend will be a fun one.. I'd love to grab a couple patio beers and relax in the sunshine for some of it... we'll see how our station is on- site and go from there..

well it's back to work for this girl.. hope you all have an awesome weekend :)

Thursday, August 11, 2011

Busy bee

Things are starting to get a little better... My brother's on the job hunt, and my sis is safe and sound with nana and papa..

My mom is a whole different story.. but that's nothing new.

I'm itching to start a new adventure... find a new job, in a new city or province and start new...

Let's see what I can come up with :)

Tuesday, August 9, 2011


Everyone has days where they feel like the weight of the world is on thier shoulders... today is that day for me.

My little brother lost his job.. him and 5 other people were let go from the shop he works at because they just aren't making enough money... This news comes to him after he got kicked out of my mom's place... My mom and I are the only family he has.. so now I'm the only family he has.. I just sent him some money and helped him get set up in his own place and now he's lost his job... I had to send him every last penny I have today so that he can keep his car on the road so that he can find a new job... I have no problem with this.. he is my brother.. I'd give him the world if I had it.. It's just stressful because now I have to make it through another week broke..

My mom called today... she's having a mental break down... wants to leave her bf.. wants to move... but she has no friends, she has no family, and I'm her only form of support... with me on the job hunt I can't tell her to come out here cause I don't know how much longer I'll even be here... I wish so badly I could just be there for her..

My sister facebooked me this morning from the public library... her and my PSYCHOTIC ex step mom (her mother) got in a huge fight this morning.. Not at all surprising as this happens all the time.. the difference this time is I'm not there to go pick her up and bail her out.. so I had to call my grandparents and get them to go to Toronto to get her.. they're on route and while they are I'm keeping her on facebook trying to make her feel better...

Work is so stressful... we're gearing up for ratings and it's just insane...

I'm exhausted and I don't know how to keep swimming right now..

As selfish as it sounds I just wish for once my family could take care of themselves.. I can't keep being everyone's support and rock.. it's killing me.

I'm tired.

Thursday, August 4, 2011

Summer time...

And the livin's easy :)

Houdini (the guy I was talking about in my last post) showed up at my door last Friday.. Apologized for being such a flake, said he's super sorry for pushing me aside, gave me a big bouquet of lillies and played me a song he wrote for me on his guitar... so sweet and so cute.. as we got talking though, he said it's normal for him to have super busy weeks where he works day and night, and it's not unusual for him to not text or call for a couple/few days at a time... I told him the apology was super sweet and thoughtful but if that's how he is, this wasn't going to work... We hung out for a while and chatted a bit.. he asked if he could stay the night even though he had to work the next morning and I just told him I thought it was best that he leave.. I made sure to express that I still care for him, but I wanted time to think and make sure I wasn't just wrapped up in how sweet he was being at the moment... His phone is busted (literally in 3 pieces he showed me when he came over haha) so I wrote my number down for him and told him I'd love to see him again and to get in touch when he could....

Well... that was Friday... today is Thursday... I haven't heard a single peep... No facebook messages no calls, nothing.. so I made the right decision.. the longer I go without talking to him the less I care.. so I hope he doesn't pull anything this weekend and try to show up and hang out again.. I'm over it.. When you want to make it work you make it work... he has not put in enough effort for me to be concerned.

Work's starting to get really slammed again... ratings are coming soon so that means HUGE promotions and HUGE contests... work work work .. haha .. but it also means that work will be fun and the next couple months will fly.. while the next two days stay a little lighter I'm going to enjoy it...

I must go.. Lunch break is overrrr... talk soon! xo

Tuesday, July 26, 2011

really?... REALLY???

I get a little pissy or grumpy here and there.... but it takes a LOT to make me angry.

I'm currently right pissed off.

I've been seeing a guy for almost 2 weeks now and all of the sudden I haven't heard from him in over 24 hrs... I'm not saying he needs to spend every waking moment with me or talking to me but a simple hello or how are you would be nice... I ended up in emerge on Sunday, stupid kidney was acting up again... he knew this.. that's the last time I spoke with him... haven't even gotten so much as a "how are you holding up?" since then... I'm really unimpressed... I'm really hurt... and in turn I'm now angry.

Guys, a word of advice... stop being pieces of shit!

Thanks :)

Tuesday, July 12, 2011


For the first time in my entire 22 years of living.. I just don't GIVE A FUCK anymore. :)

Monday, July 11, 2011

Confessions of Channie Marrie.

I'm stubborn.

I'm honest to a fault.

I never break promises.

I'm loud.

I'm outspoken.

I have an opinion about almost everything.

Once I love you, I will forever, even if/when you hurt me. No matter how bad.

I can be rude.

I miss my mom every day of my life.

I smile all the time.

My face is very expressive. You can always tell my true feelings.

I'm sarcastic 99% of the time.

I have a smart ass answer for almost everything.

Despite how strong I seem, I am actually very weak.

I have 0 self esteem.

If I was brave enough, I'd get plastic surgery.

I'm terrible at being patient.

I ignore the phone when my great aunt calls all the time.

I am a bit of a music snob.

I am in love with my guitar.

I love it when I make people laugh.

I don't talk about him, but I wish things were different.

I also wish I didn't fall so hard, so fast, over nothing.

I am lazy.

although my house is always clean, my room is almost always a mess.

I hate laundry.

I'm terrible with goodbyes.

I'm great at convincing others I'm ok.

Without my nana I would probably commit suicide.

If it wasn't for him I'd probably still  be a virgin. I'm 22.

I like my dirty mind.

A lot of mistakes I've made, I don't regret.

I wish my dad knew how amazing he truly is.

Although I have it together, I constantly wonder if I'm where I want to be.

I'm forever broken.

I'm the furthest thing from normal.

I'm not innocent.

I'm no longer naive.

I don't know what the word quit means, because I never have/will.

I have tremendous will power.

I care when people don't like me.

I hate being angry or around anyone who is.

I hate conflict.

I have been used by many.

My best friends have hurt me more than anyone.

I love my best friends more than anything.

I worry constantly about everything.

I am afraid of commitment.

I am afraid to love again.

I am afraid I won't ever find love again.

I am afraid of heights.

I am deathly afraid of spiders.

I am afraid I may end up with a drinking problem.

I am afraid if I have children they will be broken just like me.

I have never felt good enough.

I have never felt pretty enough.

I have never felt ready.

I have never been able to believe what I have managed to accomplish.

I don't know everything.

I know I am damn good at things I set my mind to.

I get jealous.

I have lied, and will again, but try my very best not to.

I take pride in being a good friend.

I am always here for those that need me.

I make no excuses for myself.

I am me.

I am Channie Marrie.

Sunday, May 29, 2011

Not too much ...

There isn't a whole lot new or exciting with me..

Had a big work event last night that went really well! Everyone had a lot of fun and there wasn't any major hiccups! Very rare to have no hiccups in the world of promotions.

I've been feeling pretty good... Missing home today.. but those days happen a lot... less and less the longer I'm here, but when they hit it's always in full force..

I've been playing a lot and writing so much lately ... Show's one of my best girl friends out here and she's gonna help me record some of my stuff in the studios so I can send a couple songs to my daddoh for father's day :)

It's funny, when you remove yourself from everything you're comfortable with and everything you know, you're forced to take a really hard look at yourself... and it's pretty harsh because there's no one around that truly knows you the way the people you left behind do.. There's no one around to tell you how far you've come or how good you're doing... Only new people who are all too quick and comfortable with pointing out your flaws... I've had a tough time with that..It makes things hurt a lot more than they should, it makes successes much more enjoyable, and it makes failures much harder to swallow...  it's inspired a lot of writing for me.

I've started missing being in a relationship.. I was talking to one of my bestohs from back home last week about it... it's a very strange feeling for me, I've been so happy alone, having so much fun and didn't ever want one again.. then all of the sudden the past couple weeks I've wanted it again.. I've missed it.. and started thinking maybe I'm ready to let my heart feel again... J stirred something in me I forgot existed. I don't want to be with him or anything... just realized how it feels to feel again... if that makes sense?

I've spent a lot of time hiding from feelings... a guy gets too close and I split... come up with excuses or reasons why it never would have worked... I think it's time I just let things happen the way they're supposed to. :)

Well that's my insight for the day loves! Have a happy Sunny Sunday :) xo

Sunday, May 22, 2011


It's been sooo long! I'm usually not this slack on here, been super busy with work though!

Work is going well finally.

I have a new roomate which means I'm living with 2 guys right now.. I love them but this house is too small for 3 people!! I'm startin to go a little crazy..

I've been doing well, feeling much better about things... J and I have found common ground and sorted through shit so we're friends now which is nice, I wasn't sure it was possible. He's back with his ex and it's what he needs right now. When he was talking about her with me and I saw the look on his face and heard how he feels and what he's going through and all of the sudden everything just clicked for me...

My memory flashed to a broken girl last January that couldn't figure out how to heal her heart. She got back with her ex even though it was wrong, and about 4 months later she walked from him because she realized it wasn't right. She needed to go back in order to know for sure.

Like me last year, he needs to go back, he needs to know for sure and if it works out for him then I couldn't be happier for him. If not, he has a friend in me when it all falls apart.

I'm working on myself still, something I'll do until the day I die I'm sure. I feel better though, feel like I'm getting somewhere finally. I just have lapses here and there, so does everyone else! It's not worth hating myself over or feeling stupid for. He had feeling for me that was true, just being in this city (where she's from and lives) stirred something in him he thought was over and gone from him. I remember those feelings everytime I used to go to Toronto.

It's strange to remember that broken girl. I am so different now. I never thought I could live without him, never thought I would be ok, felt like a hole had been ripped in my soul, yet I picked myself up and 2 years later I'm on the other side of it and happier than I've ever been.

Life has a strange and beautiful way of working itself out.

Have a happy long weekend loves!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Too much, too fast, too soon,

I'm not gonna say I came out here to run, that's just not true. It was easier to be here though then it was to be at home.

Nothing harbored sad or negative feelings... everything was new, exciting, full of fun, and opportunity.

Now I feel like I've just made the same mistakes here that I have everywhere and I'm frustrated with myself.

Frustrated because I feel like I can't win.

No matter how hard I try to change I just do the same things over and over... am I really this stupid!?!

I'm happy in pretty much every aspect of my life, except for where I'm at when it comes to dealing with feelings for people.

I need to learn to stay reserved. I need to learn not to let myself get invested. SOMEHOW I need to learn to stay gaurded and cautious. No more jumping in 100%... no more putting my heart into it fully.. no more being young and naiive.

I can do this.

I will do this.

lesson learned.

Used up.

I know you say you didn't mean to do this. I know you say you're sorry, but that doesn't change that you did it.

So where does that leave me? How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to just say "ohhh don't worry about it! I'm not worth anything anyway, no worries!"

I'm used up, and I'm done.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ohhh how I love rainy days < 3

How easy it becomes to hurt yourself.

I have this terrible habit of putting everything and everyone before myself. Yes it's a good quality, but eventually you burn out and you have nothing left to give, because everyone has taken everything from you.

That's where I'm at right now, and that doesn't sit well with me. I spent a long time putting up walls and gaurding myself to try to avoid getting to this point again. It took me years to put myself back together and now I feel like I'm falling apart again somehow.

I let my gaurd down with J... he's not the only one I've done that with in the last 6 months, but he's the first that has truely and deeply hurt me. The stupid part is he tried so hard to avoid hurting me, he was honest with me, he was open, and I let myself get closer and closer anyway. He cares for me, I know he does, and I know he would be with me if he could, but he has a lot more going on than I'll ever know from him and he's just not ready. I need to let go.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't understand why I get close to people I clearly know I shouldn't and then like an idiot end up crying and asking myself  why once again. I'm so done thinking about this J situation, it's exhausting me. I've tried so hard to be whatever he needed that I forgot to think about myself.

I just keep saying to myself "why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?"
I need to stop hurting myself. There is someone out there that is ready to love and will be willing to let me in... that's the type of person I should be investing my time in

If any one of my friends were in this situation I would be telling them to run. I would telling them to get out before it gets worse.

For once in my life, I'm going to take my own advice.

Have a happy rainy Tuesday my loves!

Friday, April 29, 2011

Why do I ALWAYS do this?

It's the same thing Every. Single. Time.

I don't meet guys I truely care for very often... in my entire life I've met 3 of them... I meet them... I know within a few days that I truely care for them and that I would want to be with them if things continued to progress... I dive in 100%... and then I get hurt...

Well J... join the club.. You are number 3.

I talked with him tonight... he's just not ready... he's not over his ex at all yet... I can't be second to someone else... I so appreciate him telling me... I so appreciate him  being open and honest... and I completely understand where he's coming from.. I've been there.. I've been the girl not over the ex yet even though I had feelings for someone.. I get it.. but still I can't help but lay here awake at 1 am and cry... I know that seems ridiculous.. I've only started getting close to him over the last like 2 weeks, but I knew how I felt about him right away... I knew I wanted to be a part of his life and have him be a part of mine.. and I know he felt and still feels the same... it's so hard. I can't be upset with him because his reasons are legit and he's looking out for me but that doesn't make it sting any less.

I just wanted to be with him and to get to know him... now there's no room for that... now I need to go back to square one and figure out how to be his friend and not more... how to stop wishing he was around to make me smile... just... ugh..

I work so hard to stay a gaurded person and put up walls that I need... and I always seem to let them down for the wrong people.

Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always put myself through this stupid shit?

I remember now why I've been so gaurded, and this time... I won't forget it.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Whoaaa Slacker!!

I've been soooo super busy and running around like crazy that I've been slacking on here! Ooops!!

Not too much to update... I've been looking for a car... I'm thinking just a used one to hold me over until I move or whatever it is I'm gonna do out here.... I still have no idea lol

I've met a new guy... we'll call him J for short... he's literally a male version of me... passionate about radio, same silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky, and I find I can read him like a book and he can read me just as easily... I've never met a guy that can read me and understand me the way he can... I'm trying not to think about it and I'm trying to NOT do the typical Chantelle thing and get involved too quickly... it's just so hard with me.. I'm the type of girl that doesn't fall for or let a guy in easily, but when I do I do it 100%... which can end up absolutely amazing or a complete disaster... and there really is no in between... so I'm trying really hard to stay calm and be level headed about it all...

I'm going to count on the help of my friends a lot with this one I think... Girlies and Guys... don't hate me if I'm constantly talking about it... I need your support!

Hope everyone had a fantastic Easter! I was missing my nan and paps and the rest of the fam... they were all at the cottage together for dinner and a weekend together... I was super jealous... I can't wait until I can visit home again... Although I'm really starting to love my life out here, I will always miss home and all the amazing people I have there! The highlight of the day yesterday was Stephie calling to wish me a happy Easter! I love that her and her family think of me on holidays and stuff, it makes me feel so important  :)

Have a happy Monday all! Let's hope I can stay strong!

Monday, April 4, 2011


Today is an ''I miss home" day... I really miss home.. I really miss my friends and fam... and I don't really wanna be out here right now.

I'll get over it.. these days come and go.


Friday, April 1, 2011


It's a new month, the sun is shining, I have a great guy that I've been goin on dates with here and there, my home life is good, and still today for some reason I don't feel like smiling.

I don't know what my problem is..

it's weird because I've been feeling great all week... I think I'm just a little bummed that I have to work till 9 tonight... makes it hard to be stoked for the end of the day when you know you'll be working late haha..

ohh well, I think maybe I'll sleep in on Monday morning to make up the hours :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys the sunshine as much as I have been :)

Talk soon!! xo

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

It's Wednesday?!?!

Friday is April!?!?!?

WTH! hahaha Where has my life gone! I can't believe I've been out here for almost 6 months now! that's just insane to me!

I had Mister Perfect over last night :) We watched one of my all time favourite movies "once" and then anchor man :) had a major make out session *Dreammmyyyy* and then I took him home... He wants me to go out with him and some of his friends on Friday... I'm kinda nervous but I'm going to do it :) should be a good time :)

More updates sooooon!

Sunday, March 27, 2011

Saw that comin...

Well Ontario man has turned RIDICULOUS... In dealing with stuff lately I've let it consume me and until the other day I was really miserable... I needed to snap out of it... after a good cry and a couple hours of guitar I was finally able too and I finally let go!

I messaged Ontario man yesterday cause he got a new job (he was fired from his old one) and I messaged him to congratulate him! I also apologised because for the last 2 weeks or so, I've been an absent friend... I haven't been around I haven't really talked much with him and to be honest, I was so caught up in my own shit that I became a shit friend... not just to him.. but to everyone.. and I'm trying to make that right. He was being weird and giving short one word answers.. so I asked him what's up... he UNLOADS on me about how I haven't "been around" ... I'm not nearly as "chatty" as I used to be.. and how I haven't been a good friend... ummm back up a minute... Didn't I JUST apologise to you for all those things?????? ..... so I said, I know and I'm sorry and that's what I'm apologising for... I said it hasn't just been to you, it's been to everyone... and then, Ladies & Gentleman the true reasons came out... Ontario Man- "You haven't been around, you barely talk to me anymore and you "say" it's to everyone yet you had time to meet a guy, chat him up and go on a date?" this point I LOST MY SHIT... A) my roommate introduced us just a couple days before the date, B) I wasn't "chatting him up". I wasn't until after the date that we really started talking and C) Who the fuck are YOU to tell me what I can and can't do. It's obvious to me now that he's jealous, and I understand that, but I've ALWAYS been clear with O/M that I don't want to be with him.

Then I explained to him that since Steve passed I've realized somethings.. one of those things is that I don't want to be alone forever, I want to get back in shape, I've quit smoking, I just want to live a good life because you never know when it's over... and O/M says to me "I would have been that for you" ... I go "What??" ... he goes "I would have been with you if that's what you wanted" ... I explain to him that like I've said from the beginning I don't want to be with him, I enjoy his company but we're 2 very different people.. we have similar personalities but we have different goals and aspirations in life... He sits at home and smokes weed literally everyday, he has the same type of job he's always had, he doesn't go out and he really doesn't do much... I'm career driven, I have so many things I want to do, I don't smoke weed everyday, and I just have a very different lifestyle then he does... I learned a long time ago that when those areas are where you differ a relationship doesn't work....

I feel like a piece of shit for this... I never meant to hurt him... I didn't want to be a brutal friend .. and I've tried to make it right... but it's impossible now because he won't even listen to me.. he's too caught up in how "horrible" I've been... I don't know what to do other then just give him his space and let him get over shit.

Have a happy Sunday my loves! xo

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Smitten Kitten

My date last night was the best date I've ever had in my life... not only did he constantly tell me how pretty and awesome I am, but he made me feel totally at ease and completely comfortable in my own skin...

He's handsome, so funny, calm and kind, has a "live in the moment" attitude, loves adventure, and as our date went on I found myself letting go of all bitterness and totally ready to open myself up.

I know this is soon and I know it sounds ridiculous, but if things keep going the way they have for the last week and a bit I want to be with him... that's right guys, I Channy, the queen of the bitter Betty train, wants to be with someone again!!

even if things don't work out with us, he's made me realize life is much more meaningful when you have someone to share it with...

I got my heart broken, it took me a long time to heal, but I'm healed and I'm ready to move on with my life <3

Talk soon loves!

Friday, March 25, 2011

Date night.

It's been a longgggggg time since I've been on a "real" date. Well tonight, I'm going out with a new guy.. he's handsome sweet and so far seems so much like me it's insane! haha... I'm really excited for it!

I've spent so long being bitter about guys that it's been a long time since I've given anyone a fair chance to get to know me. I'm trying to change that.. I'm a very sensitive and warm girl with a really tough exterior... and it takes some time to get past the tough exterior... I'm tryin to soften up a little.. Famous last words hahaha

I'll update soon about how it goes :)

hmmm what to wear...

Talk soon my loves :) xo

Monday, March 21, 2011

feeling better

Sorry for my minor melt down last week... 22 funerals in 5 years was enough to make me snap... I'm getting past it though.. I understand that death is a part of life.. it's just a difficult topic and a difficult thing to deal with.. especially since I'm away from home for this new job.. ohhh well.. I'll get over it..

So I was chatting with a new guy that I wanted to get to know a little more.. we were supposed to have our first date on Friday but I wasn't in a mood to really meet someone new with all that's been going on so I cancelled and told him I had decided to go out with some close friends to deal with the recent loss... well he SNAPPED... Told me I'm playing games, and just looking for a reason to not hang out with him.. I explained that the way I deal with death is by going out with friends getting drunk and reminising about that person and of course tears... lots and lots of tears.. he said fine and I thought we were over it... well then last night he texted me asking if I wanted to hang out.. I was already in pjs watching the apprentice with my roomie so I wasn't in the mood to get ready and go anywhere so I said that another night would be better... one of my close friends from back home called me and I started chatting with him and we got to talking about Steve and all of the sudden my call with him turned into a half hour conversation... I get off the phone to SIX text messages from this guy.. saying things like "I feel like something's off here" "If you don't want to hang out there's no hard feelings" " I don't get why you're ignoring me" etc... as I'm responding the fucking guy CALLS me!!!! HOLY SHIT!!!! Needy much?!?!?!?

I picked up and explained to him that I was on the phone and that's why I wasn't responding and that for now with what I'm dealing with I don't really have any interest in hanging out with anyone new because I'm now in a debate with myself about weather or not I should go home (I've since decided I'm sticking it out, out here) and he responds with "well that's a subtle way to blow me off.. you could've just told me you aren't interested in hanging out" .... UMMMMM ... DID THIS GUY HEAR A SINGLE WORD I'VE BEEN SAYING TO HIM!?!? my god!! This is why I don't date! Men think WE are the ones that are complicated?? This guy is more needy then my 9 year old cousin! Onnnnn to the next one.

Well I should get back to work.. I'm slackin! hahaha

Talk soon Loves :)

Friday, March 18, 2011

I really don't understand.


I didn't want to have to make a post like this again for a long time... yet just months later here I am...

I lost a friend Tuesday morning. A soldier. An amazing person. An incredible friend. He just didn't wake up.

Can someone please explain this to me?

Can someone please give me some answers?

Can someone PLEASE just fucking help me understand why the fuck people die so unjustly when they in no way deserve it. PLEASE.

I'm so sick of hearing "he's in a better place" I'm so sick of hearing "he's at peace now" I'm so sick and fucking tired of hearing "Everything happens for a reason"



Tuesday, March 8, 2011

LIfe.. is good.

Things are going well with me... Life is good... I have daily stresses but they're usual...all the things that have been stressing me and driving me crazy over the last little while seem to have sorted themselves out..

Papa's surgery went well and he's doing fine... my tests came back mostly negative at the hospital, one more procedure and I should be done with drs for a while... Work is settling and I'm finding my place... I've got some great people surrounding me out here and the ones that aren't great are gone... Life is good.

Isn't it funny how that works? One month things are a disaster and you don't know how you're possibly going to surface for air... next month all that was wrong has come together and you're doing great....

Life is up and down... always moving one way or the other... it's tough but we all need to learn to ride out the downs and celebrate the ups... there will always be something to complain about and something to be happy about... I want to start being happy more then spending my time complaining... it's exhausting always looking at what's wrong... and soo easy to forget what's going right...

I had a moment of total peace the other night... I completely cleaned my room did all my laundry and was laying on my bed listening to music while I sorted through a box of things that I brought back here with me from back home... I didn't know what was in it.. I packed it last October... in that box was a bunch of pictures of my ex and I... I also came accross a letter from him while cleaning... I had never seen the letter before and it was called "The reasons why I love Chantelle Marrie"... it was 2 pages front and back.. packed with tiny writing and a million things about me that he had fallen in love with... I cried when I read this... not because I miss him... but because there's so much emotion attached to the thought of him... He will always have a place in my heart... I will always love him in some way because he was such a huge part of my life... the pictures and the letters reminded me of what we had... we had something so pure... so real.. so strong.. something I thought would last forever... he loved me and I loved him in a way that I will never share with anyone else... those are MY memories and they were my feelings and no one else needs to understand them.. I started to burn one of the pictures... I let it burn up... and then I realized I didn't care to burn them... I have no anger anymore... I have no hatred anymore... I have no pain anymore... I have no longing anymore.. I have nothing anymore for him... nothing but happy memories of what it means to be in love and I'm excited for whoever I fall in love with next... we started dating in 2007... Broke up in 2010... and now in 2011 I feel whole again and I've let go ...

I wonder what's waiting for me over the next 5 years...

Have a good day loves xo

Monday, March 7, 2011

work work work

as I assumed this week is already INSANE! I love it!!

So I'm keepin a float and I'll be swamped alll week... if you don't hear from me you know why! haha..

Talk soon!! xo

Sunday, March 6, 2011

Spoke to Soon.

Leave it to me to jinx something! I swear as soon as I talk about how great something is going it goes to shit...

Friday I went to Ontario Man's place... his roomate ( a really good friend of mine from back home) was home and with a few friends... we had a few drinks, smoked some, played cards, and by the time I looked at the clock to head home I had, had too much to drink to drive myself home.. so I stayed there... we fucked... it was great as always and then went to bed...

I woke up and everything was different... I woke up and was instantly irritated by him.. he was making comments that were rude and I know he was joking around but the mixture of just waking up and being hung over made me annoyed by him... We got up, I made a huge yummy breakfast for everyone that was over.. we ate it and smoked some more.. and then I wanted to go for a nap before I drove home... we went into his room and he started trying to get in my pants.. now don't get me wrong.. I get it.. I said nap... he's a man... he assumed a little too quickly that I meant something different... so I explained to him that I was tired and not in the mood at the moment and just wanted to take a nap... he got up and stormed out of the room and didn't come back for like 10 minutes... so of course I get up and start getting dressed and ready to leave... typical me.. when shit gets tense a little voice in my head ALWAYS yells "RUN"... as I was about to zip up my duffle bag he comes in and goes "what are you doing?" .... I go "well you seemed upset so I was just gonna take off and take that nap back home"... he was bummed by this... told me he just simply got up to make a pot of coffee and that he wasn't upset and he's sorry if it seemed that way.. so I crawl into bed we watch a movie and then I take a shower and we had a party to celebrate his roomate's gf's b-day... we went out and played pool for a while came back to his place and drank and once again I wasn't about to drive home... so I stayed... we didn't fuck cause I passed out as soon as I hit bed haha...

This morning he tries to get with me again... I'm all for morning sex but when I've JUST woken up and I'm hung over AGAIN ... sex is the furthest thing from my mind... so of course he gets in a mood and starts being quiet and short with me... So I got up and left... correct me if I'm wrong but wasn't I just saying on Friday that I'm NOT in a relationship? sure sounds like the life of a couple right there... FUCK THAT!... sooo I'm cooling it with O.M. for a while... I don't want the drama or the petty shit that has started to come along with this... it's run it's course.. time for a new toy!

Other then all that life's been good :) allllll of my bosses are away for this entire week since it's Canadian music week so it's gonna be a lot of fun :) I'm excited to have a fun week at the office... it's going to be insanely busy and insanely overwhelming but for some reason I seem to love it that way... I'm fucked hahaha.. not much else to chat about...

hope you had a great weekend my loves! xx

Friday, March 4, 2011


I'm grumpy when I'm sick (reference March 1st post eek!)
still sick but feeling better... I'm just preparing for a big meeting I have at 11 this morning... I'm exciteddd! big things are planned and happening here :)

Not much planned for the weekend... layin low trying to get better and probably have a little fun with Ontario Man... what else is new :p lol ... I wonder how everything is going to pan out with him... You guys all know what I went through with the ex (lover boy) you went through the journey with me on here... YIKES... since then I have had NO desire what so ever to get involved with anyone... so I've kept a comfortable distance from all men and that's the way I like it... O.M. is the first guy I've let get as close as I have... it's NOT a relationship and it WON'T be one either.. But it's nice to know I have someone I can go cuddle up to and watch a movie with when I feel as shitty... or someone to listen to me when I overreact like I do... He's a great friend and someone I'll be friends with for the rest of my life but it's a unique friendship... everyone says fuck friends don't work... I've been waiting for almost 3 months now for it to "not work" seems pretty good to me so far... too good to be true maybe? ... We'll see.

I hope you guys have a great weekend :)

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

So fucking sick.

ugh... fevered... achey... shaking like a leaf.... and I'm at work... and does anyone even bother to ask how I'm feeling or doing? No. They all just continue to yell and be obnoxious and interupt me and yell while I'm on the phone and it's fucking driving me crazy... I'm going to snap today. I can feel it. Let's hope my boss sends me home before that point.

Monday, February 28, 2011

Sick?? Again?? WTF???

Since I got out here I'm sick like once a month!! it's RIDICULOUS! I'm pretty sure I have strep throat :( UGHHHHHH.. it hurts to swallow... turn my head... breathe... shit it even hurts to blink!! I think it's cause my Roomate works at an elementary school... he's always bringin diseases home!! hahaha

Today's Trade Deadline... since I work for an all sports talk station and a rock station that's a pretty big deal! We're live on location all day, so I'm gonna head down there around noon to hang out and hand out free stuff :) I hope people aren't scared of me and my disease! hahaha.. For weeks now we've been working on the new layout of the site for today... we changed the background... we had a clock... an announcement board... totally different then it normally is... get in this morning and OF COURSE there's tech problems at head office so Astral sites Canada wide are down. Of course on the busiest day of the year for our sports station... the one day that we get more hits as an AM stations then FM stations do, we have no website to drive them too at this point... swellllllllll ... lol.

Well at least I'm laughing about it... it's just one of those funny days where nothing works... what else can ya do?

Hope everyone's having a better Monday then mine hahahaha

Friday, February 25, 2011

I Miss Summer!

Not much to talk about today..

Going to metal show tonight... Bought a new outfit and cute accessories... Love<3 hahaha

Then tomorrow I think I'm going to see Ontario Man. I'll be hung over as shit but it will be well worth the visit ;)

Sunday is clean up day! Need to clean my room, do laundry, go grocery shopping.. and maybe possibly dinner with my cousins.

Should be a good weekend!

Enjoy sleeping in loves!

Thursday, February 24, 2011


Someone asked me yesterday if I'm a christian... For most of my life my instant answer to that question would have been an immediate and stern Yes. Yesterday however, I found myself struggling to figure out the answer to that question.

Do I believe in God? YES. Where I struggle with this question is the "religion" that is associated with being christian. I believe that there is something (God) much greater then our human minds can comprehend. We don't control our fate, we don't decide what needs to or is going to happen in our lives, God does.

When I read a bible and it tells me Homosexuals are unacceptable, or women can't talk in church, or that it's a sin to eat pork, I start to have a hard time believing in christianity. I find it VERY hard to believe that God sat down with a human and said "alright, lets make a book of all the things I DON'T want you humans to do, to start off, if you're gay you're diseased and I won't love you, next women aren't equal to men make sure you put that in there, ohh and don't forget, NEVER eat a pig!"

Really?? The creator of the world, the creator of this amazing form that is called a human, the spirit that controls everyone's fate and gives us all a purpose was concerned about eating pork, who you fuck, and wanted there to be inequality in the species that HE created? I don't know about you but I have a hard time believing that. Which is why I don't say I'm christian, but the answer is yes I believe in God.

That's my thought of the day haha.

have a good day loves!

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

I wonder what my life would be like if...

- My step mom never went crazy and became an alcoholic..

-My biological mom never left when I was a baby and treated me better throughout my life..

-My Dad never got his heart broken and watched his life and family fall apart before his eyes..

-I never met Jake..

I know things happen for a reason... but I can't help but wonder who I'd be if my life went the way I used to wish and pray it for it to go.

Have a good day my loves :)

Friday, February 18, 2011

It's a new day :)

Well... today is definitely a new day :)

I'm feeling soooo much better! I've figured out what I need to do and I'm just going to do it... just going to hang out and lay low for a while.

If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that no matter how hard you try... you DON'T control what happens in your life... you can direct life... you can lead yourself down the right path... but the things that happen along the path are going to happen regardless of your choices and somehow in the end it all works itself out and you eventually realize why those things happened...

I am who I am... God makes no mistakes... he wouldn't have made me who I am and brought me through all that I've been through if there wasn't a purpose or reason for it... from now on I'm going to try to enjoy the ride and stop stressing so much...

Life is good because I'm alive... not because of things that happen day to day... I need to remember that...

What will be... Will be. :)

Have a great day my loves!

Thursday, February 17, 2011


I'm miserable.

I miss home.

I miss my daddy and nana and papa.

I miss my friends.

Maybe I'm in over my head...

I just wanna go home.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Changes before 2012...

1) Stop getting soooo upset when things go wrong... take a minute and think about it... then react

2) BE QUIET! I'm always too loud and it's probably embarassing for those that are friends with me and annoying

3) Stop correcting people... so they said May 5th when it is really May 6th... It really doesn't matter!

4) Get thicker skin... it's ok to make mistakes... it's not the end of the world that not EVERYONE likes me... some people just don't get along.

5) Shut the fuck up... Listen... observe... only speak when I have something worthwhile to say.., Don't talk just to talk!!

Those are 5 things I need to make a solid effort to change... it will help me, my career, and my relationships with people.

Monday, February 14, 2011

Love day....

Happy love day everyone :)

Plenty of my friends are bitter about today... "stupid no good hallmark day" ...

I think people miss the point... Many argue that you should show your love everyday... which is comepletely true! But not everyone can afford to buy flowers, chocolates, and gifts, for their loved ones all the time... I think the point of today is more to remind people to appreciate their loved ones and to give an opportunity to spoil your loved ones another day of the year :)

I'm not into relationships right now... don't want one at all actually... which is a strange thing for me... I've always loved relationships but ever since my ex... haven't had any desire to get involved at all with anyone...

I have a couple guy friends that I'm undeniably more than "just friends" with.. but it's more for fun then it is for feelings... I have no feelings emotionally anymore it seems... to the point where I get uncomfortable when someone does try to get close to me...

Maybe I'm crazy... maybe I just need the right man... who knows

Either way that's my little V-day rant hahah

Have a good day xo!

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Time to get back into this!

I haven't written in a very long time... So much has changed...

I was reading through my blog and I appreciated that I had so many memories and feelings stored away that it inspired me to start writing again... it's important to remember...

Let's see...

Update 1 JOB: Well ladies and Gents I'm now an Albertan (not overly proud of it haha) I moved here October 27th from Ontario... I moved for a fulltime position in my career... it's challenging... ever changing... fun... and most importantly it's helping me grow :) I absolutely love it! I'm alwaysssss busy but you get used to it in the media industry... everything is 24/7 now. It's been a great experience so far and I hope to continue growing and learning from it!

Update 2 FRIENDS: Of COURSE I have my Stephie Boo and Jenni... they've been soooo supportive of me through all of the changing and moving around... They keep me grounded and I thank god that I have them in my life and I'm SOOOO blessed to be able to say they will stick by me for life... I went and visited home a week ago and the second I saw them it was like nothing had changed... all my friends back home have been great about it except for two of them that I cut long ago... *cough amanda cough cough britt*..... it's been so amazing having their support!! without them this wouldn't be possible for me... they've helped me stay strong and be brave through everything <3

Update 3 LOVE LIFE: Dun dun dah dunnnnn I'm a single girl... and I know that probably comes as no surprise to did come as a surprise to me though... I'm surprised I was ever actually strong enough to walk away from him... I left him last June... Him and his ex started getting a little too chatty and I got fed up... I finally hit my breaking point and I finally realized it was him that I needed out of my life... not parts of me that I needed to change... I've been single ever since and love it that way! I'm young and have tons of time to settle down when I'm older... I love me and I don't want to take time for someone else right now or anytime soon.... my friends are all betting that someone will sweep me up soon but I'm content being me... as steph would put it " You're a heart breaker just by being good looking" hahahahah I love her so much... she makes me laugh...

Update 4 NEW ME: I'm a very different person... Finally feeling good about myself... I feel great about my job.... and I have confidence in myself... of course I'm still the same goofy clumbsy idiot kid at heart (I always will be)... but now I've learned to love myself for those qualities...

In the words of Rihanna... I Came To Win... To Fight... To Conquer... To Fly... I Came To Win... To Survive... To Prosper.... To Rise... To Fly.

Lets see where life takes me next :)