Friday, October 30, 2009

hello hello!

it's been a while!

I'm back home now... lovin it surprisingly... still workin construction and I really like it.. it's hard and I get wierd looks a lot because I'm a girl but it's a good job, it's hard work and I'm always learning something new. not to mention it's $$$$$$$ : )

You know who and I have been hangin out a LOT lately... I saw him twice last week and then this week we've hung out twice already and I'm goin there tonight... I leave for Florida next week though so we're havin our last visit tonight... his family will be home tonight though so it's gonna be wierd to see them... till this point I've only told a couple people that we've been hanging out and he's only told a couple as well... we'll see.. right now we're still just staying friends... feeling things out.. he needs me to prove to him I'm different and I think I am. we'll see what happens. it's all pretty confusing but believe it or not it's less confusing now then it was before and I'm hurting a lot less... fingers are crossed!

I leave for Florida next week EEEEEEEEEE :) :) :) :) Soooooo excited!! I'm excited for warm sunshine, golf, gettin a nice tan and most of all and entire month with my nan who is my hero!!! and my papa who's my inspiration!!! I'm going to write a letter to myself everyday that I'm there... just write whatever comes to mind. I'm trying to get myself and my feelings sorted out and I feel like being away from everything I know and am familliar with will help me see what I need to see without outside influences... wish me luck!!

I hung out with my wifey stephie on wednesday night for the first time in soooo long!! We hang out but usually it's only for like an hour or so because we both have very busy lives.. but we went out for supper and then get super baked lol and rapped to biggie plus sang our love songs ANIMALLL!!! lol... then watched the hills... it was really good to see her and have time to really talk and listen to her. I missed her very much!! I'll miss you while I'm gone mostest stephie!!! xo

Well I'm outta here... gotta tidy up and get some laundry goin, plus have a shower and what not before I head to jake's soccer game... ya I'm goin to his soccer game... and ya I know.. I'm an idiot lol.

talk soon! xo

Saturday, October 17, 2009

I've lost all faith in men.

I had car troubles yesterday so got stuck at my place and couldn't go to my best girlie's birthday party I was pretty bummed out and I was all alone packing my apartment up so my friend Brit that doesn't live to far away came and got me and we went out to the bar and had a couple drinks... honestly I'm pretty sure that every douche bag that exsists in the world we ran into last night.

Impolite, spoke like disgusting pigs about girls, were rude, just brutal.. last night I realised how men truely are. I can't believe it. It breaks my heart. It's sad to see that it's basically encouraged for men to act like pricks and treat girls like shit... ya really cool! AWESOME :)

I went out with Jake last wednesday... we had a good night fun as always, but then we ended up making out for like half an hour... STUPID CHANTELLE STUPID!!!!! I knew it was stupid.. I knew I shouldn't.. but I love him so much, when he grabbed me and pulled me in I couldn't help but kiss him.. I didn't want to pull away. I miss him so much.

He doesn't have his cell for the weekend so I sent him a message over fb, I can tell he's been on, he's written on friend's walls and what not but he's not responding to my message... I feel like some crazy stalker or something I'm so stupid for letting him back into my life. So stupid for not just letting it because now I've put myself in a situation where chances are I'm just going to get hurt all over again.


Sunday, October 11, 2009

Gobble Gobble!!

Well it's thanks giving and here I sit in my apartment boxes all around me...

Part of me is sad... sad that I'm not with my family drinking wine and eating turkey till I pass out... sad that my apartment is half way to being packed up and that means my time here in the city where I had my first job is done.... sad that my last day of work at the station is tomorrow....

my god how time has flown by.

and part of me is happy.... happy that I completed my job here.. happy that I have improved my skills in radio... happy that I chose to come out here and stuck to my guns and did it...

And the rest of me is excited... excited for change... excited to be back home for a while where I feel whole again... excited for florida and the fun that it will bring for the month and a bit that I'm there...

There's a lot running through me right now... I'm sure that I'll shed a few tears tomorrow... I'm really gonna miss everyone... I'm gonna miss Brett's smart ass sense of humor... Court's loud laughter boomin through the halls.. and of course Blair's undying "awwwwkwarrrrrddd" statements lol.. it's been quite the ride... it's all happened for many reasons and being here has taught me a lot about myself... :)

Jake and I are still talkin... tryin to sort things out.. we were gonna hang out today but I'm wayyyy too tired after being out for most of the night last night and he was too so we're gonna go rollerblading on wednesday instead... it's wierd to get used to being Ella the friend instead of Ella the girlfriend but I think that we can get past this and at least have a friendship out of it... even though I would like to see more then that happen... we have a long way to go and a lot of work to do but I think we could be ok if we both work at it..

I found out today that I woman I'm really close with in my home town ... I used to work with her at the hardware store... her daughter passed away this morning :( She was autistic and had down syndrome so had a lot of health problems... I'm glad she's not suffering anymore but poor M is so sad and I'm so sad too.. the funeral's on thursday so wish me luck!

more another time xoxo

Friday, October 9, 2009

so lost.

So I did it... I saw him on Monday.

We went to dinner and then shopping, everything was the way it used to be... we were laughing goofing around reminising we were the way we used to be... it was like nothing had even happened... we started talking and trying to figure out how both of us feel. He loves me and misses me but doesn't know what he wants... I love and miss him and I want him back... not right away.. these things take time but I want this to work out. we sat in his car, both of us crying, talking in circles... finally I was so upset I had to leave... we hugged good bye and literally clung to eachother crying for 2 minutes... It felt so right... I had a huge wave of emotion come over me and now all I can think about is him... I had to leave so I did. when I did he got in his car and peeled out and I left for home... he texted me later saying the hug killed him and that he got this huge rush of emotion and love come over him when we hugged and that he missed it...

The next morning he texts me and says I want to see you again.. so we get together again last night.. we went to the movies and a couple minutes in he put his arm around me... so stupid me cuddled him the entire movie... we leave he takes me home we hug in his car just clinging to eachother for another couple minutes.. then we look at eachother and I wanted to kiss him and could tell he wanted to kiss me so I left... about 20 minutes later he texts me saying "I wanted to kiss you so bad but all I can think about is someone else kissing you... I don't even care about the people since we broke up I just care about that one... him.. " so we talk and decide we'll just hang out here and there from now on and feel things out...

I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I miss him and I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me while I try to find it in my heart to forgive him.

Sunday, October 4, 2009



So I think tomorrow is the day. that I will finally talk face to face with him.

we both decided that even if it's just to say good bye we need to resolve this. face to face. See eachother... talk to eachother. See how we feel.

I haven't seen him in over 3 months. That's nuts. I'm not going with any expectations. Just showing up. I know what I have to say. Things I've wanted him to hear from me for months. I want him to see in my eyes what he's put me through. I want him to remember me for me not for the monster I was by the time we broke up.

And I want to see if he's the monster he's made himself seem over the last few months with his actions. it's going to be very telling.

More details to come.