Sunday, May 29, 2011

Not too much ...

There isn't a whole lot new or exciting with me..

Had a big work event last night that went really well! Everyone had a lot of fun and there wasn't any major hiccups! Very rare to have no hiccups in the world of promotions.

I've been feeling pretty good... Missing home today.. but those days happen a lot... less and less the longer I'm here, but when they hit it's always in full force..

I've been playing a lot and writing so much lately ... Show's one of my best girl friends out here and she's gonna help me record some of my stuff in the studios so I can send a couple songs to my daddoh for father's day :)

It's funny, when you remove yourself from everything you're comfortable with and everything you know, you're forced to take a really hard look at yourself... and it's pretty harsh because there's no one around that truly knows you the way the people you left behind do.. There's no one around to tell you how far you've come or how good you're doing... Only new people who are all too quick and comfortable with pointing out your flaws... I've had a tough time with that..It makes things hurt a lot more than they should, it makes successes much more enjoyable, and it makes failures much harder to swallow...  it's inspired a lot of writing for me.

I've started missing being in a relationship.. I was talking to one of my bestohs from back home last week about it... it's a very strange feeling for me, I've been so happy alone, having so much fun and didn't ever want one again.. then all of the sudden the past couple weeks I've wanted it again.. I've missed it.. and started thinking maybe I'm ready to let my heart feel again... J stirred something in me I forgot existed. I don't want to be with him or anything... just realized how it feels to feel again... if that makes sense?

I've spent a lot of time hiding from feelings... a guy gets too close and I split... come up with excuses or reasons why it never would have worked... I think it's time I just let things happen the way they're supposed to. :)

Well that's my insight for the day loves! Have a happy Sunny Sunday :) xo

Sunday, May 22, 2011


It's been sooo long! I'm usually not this slack on here, been super busy with work though!

Work is going well finally.

I have a new roomate which means I'm living with 2 guys right now.. I love them but this house is too small for 3 people!! I'm startin to go a little crazy..

I've been doing well, feeling much better about things... J and I have found common ground and sorted through shit so we're friends now which is nice, I wasn't sure it was possible. He's back with his ex and it's what he needs right now. When he was talking about her with me and I saw the look on his face and heard how he feels and what he's going through and all of the sudden everything just clicked for me...

My memory flashed to a broken girl last January that couldn't figure out how to heal her heart. She got back with her ex even though it was wrong, and about 4 months later she walked from him because she realized it wasn't right. She needed to go back in order to know for sure.

Like me last year, he needs to go back, he needs to know for sure and if it works out for him then I couldn't be happier for him. If not, he has a friend in me when it all falls apart.

I'm working on myself still, something I'll do until the day I die I'm sure. I feel better though, feel like I'm getting somewhere finally. I just have lapses here and there, so does everyone else! It's not worth hating myself over or feeling stupid for. He had feeling for me that was true, just being in this city (where she's from and lives) stirred something in him he thought was over and gone from him. I remember those feelings everytime I used to go to Toronto.

It's strange to remember that broken girl. I am so different now. I never thought I could live without him, never thought I would be ok, felt like a hole had been ripped in my soul, yet I picked myself up and 2 years later I'm on the other side of it and happier than I've ever been.

Life has a strange and beautiful way of working itself out.

Have a happy long weekend loves!

Thursday, May 5, 2011

Too much, too fast, too soon,

I'm not gonna say I came out here to run, that's just not true. It was easier to be here though then it was to be at home.

Nothing harbored sad or negative feelings... everything was new, exciting, full of fun, and opportunity.

Now I feel like I've just made the same mistakes here that I have everywhere and I'm frustrated with myself.

Frustrated because I feel like I can't win.

No matter how hard I try to change I just do the same things over and over... am I really this stupid!?!

I'm happy in pretty much every aspect of my life, except for where I'm at when it comes to dealing with feelings for people.

I need to learn to stay reserved. I need to learn not to let myself get invested. SOMEHOW I need to learn to stay gaurded and cautious. No more jumping in 100%... no more putting my heart into it fully.. no more being young and naiive.

I can do this.

I will do this.

lesson learned.

Used up.

I know you say you didn't mean to do this. I know you say you're sorry, but that doesn't change that you did it.

So where does that leave me? How am I supposed to feel? Am I supposed to just say "ohhh don't worry about it! I'm not worth anything anyway, no worries!"

I'm used up, and I'm done.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ohhh how I love rainy days < 3

How easy it becomes to hurt yourself.

I have this terrible habit of putting everything and everyone before myself. Yes it's a good quality, but eventually you burn out and you have nothing left to give, because everyone has taken everything from you.

That's where I'm at right now, and that doesn't sit well with me. I spent a long time putting up walls and gaurding myself to try to avoid getting to this point again. It took me years to put myself back together and now I feel like I'm falling apart again somehow.

I let my gaurd down with J... he's not the only one I've done that with in the last 6 months, but he's the first that has truely and deeply hurt me. The stupid part is he tried so hard to avoid hurting me, he was honest with me, he was open, and I let myself get closer and closer anyway. He cares for me, I know he does, and I know he would be with me if he could, but he has a lot more going on than I'll ever know from him and he's just not ready. I need to let go.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't understand why I get close to people I clearly know I shouldn't and then like an idiot end up crying and asking myself  why once again. I'm so done thinking about this J situation, it's exhausting me. I've tried so hard to be whatever he needed that I forgot to think about myself.

I just keep saying to myself "why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?"
I need to stop hurting myself. There is someone out there that is ready to love and will be willing to let me in... that's the type of person I should be investing my time in

If any one of my friends were in this situation I would be telling them to run. I would telling them to get out before it gets worse.

For once in my life, I'm going to take my own advice.

Have a happy rainy Tuesday my loves!