Why do I ALWAYS do this?

It's the same thing Every. Single. Time.

I don't meet guys I truely care for very often... in my entire life I've met 3 of them... I meet them... I know within a few days that I truely care for them and that I would want to be with them if things continued to progress... I dive in 100%... and then I get hurt...

Well J... join the club.. You are number 3.

I talked with him tonight... he's just not ready... he's not over his ex at all yet... I can't be second to someone else... I so appreciate him telling me... I so appreciate him  being open and honest... and I completely understand where he's coming from.. I've been there.. I've been the girl not over the ex yet even though I had feelings for someone.. I get it.. but still I can't help but lay here awake at 1 am and cry... I know that seems ridiculous.. I've only started getting close to him over the last like 2 weeks, but I knew how I felt about him right away... I knew I wanted to be a part of his life and have him be a part of mine.. and I know he felt and still feels the same... it's so hard. I can't be upset with him because his reasons are legit and he's looking out for me but that doesn't make it sting any less.

I just wanted to be with him and to get to know him... now there's no room for that... now I need to go back to square one and figure out how to be his friend and not more... how to stop wishing he was around to make me smile... just... ugh..

I work so hard to stay a gaurded person and put up walls that I need... and I always seem to let them down for the wrong people.

Why do I always do this to myself? Why do I always put myself through this stupid shit?

I remember now why I've been so gaurded, and this time... I won't forget it.

Whoaaa Slacker!!

I've been soooo super busy and running around like crazy that I've been slacking on here! Ooops!!

Not too much to update... I've been looking for a car... I'm thinking just a used one to hold me over until I move or whatever it is I'm gonna do out here.... I still have no idea lol

I've met a new guy... we'll call him J for short... he's literally a male version of me... passionate about radio, same silly sense of humor, happy-go-lucky, and I find I can read him like a book and he can read me just as easily... I've never met a guy that can read me and understand me the way he can... I'm trying not to think about it and I'm trying to NOT do the typical Chantelle thing and get involved too quickly... it's just so hard with me.. I'm the type of girl that doesn't fall for or let a guy in easily, but when I do I do it 100%... which can end up absolutely amazing or a complete disaster... and there really is no in between... so I'm trying really hard to stay calm and be level headed about it all...

I'm going to count on the help of my friends a lot with this one I think... Girlies and Guys... don't hate me if I'm constantly talking about it... I need your support!

Hope everyone had a fantastic Easter! I was missing my nan and paps and the rest of the fam... they were all at the cottage together for dinner and a weekend together... I was super jealous... I can't wait until I can visit home again... Although I'm really starting to love my life out here, I will always miss home and all the amazing people I have there! The highlight of the day yesterday was Stephie calling to wish me a happy Easter! I love that her and her family think of me on holidays and stuff, it makes me feel so important  :)

Have a happy Monday all! Let's hope I can stay strong!

home...

Today is an ''I miss home" day... I really miss home.. I really miss my friends and fam... and I don't really wanna be out here right now.

I'll get over it.. these days come and go.

xo

April...

It's a new month, the sun is shining, I have a great guy that I've been goin on dates with here and there, my home life is good, and still today for some reason I don't feel like smiling.

I don't know what my problem is..

it's weird because I've been feeling great all week... I think I'm just a little bummed that I have to work till 9 tonight... makes it hard to be stoked for the end of the day when you know you'll be working late haha..

ohh well, I think maybe I'll sleep in on Monday morning to make up the hours :)

I hope everyone has a great weekend and enjoys the sunshine as much as I have been :)

Talk soon!! xo