Or at least supposed to be heh..
My job has a lot of downtime in between air times so I decided I would come on here and empty my brain for a minute with what's up in my life..
I'm stayin in town this week for the first time in a month now... I've had things to go back home for every week but not this week... it's gonna be wierd I'm sure but I've promised myself that I WILL get EVERYTHING unpacked... ya I know you're thinking "you've been there for 2 full months why the hell aren't you unpacked yet?!"
Well let's just say I was holding on to some things a little too tight back home... I know now that it's time to let go.
so I'll get everything unpacked at home and hopefully it'll start to feel a little more like it is home... cause it sure doesn't right now.
I'm so stuck with things right now.. half of me SCREAMS go back home while the other half PLEADS with me to stay...
I love my job.. I would never be happy in a different career... but I love my life and friends back home and miss it dearly...
I'm here so I'm obviously going to stay and my hope is that all will fall in a way that will make me and others that I care about happy as well.. seems sorta impossible right now though..
If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that everything and I mean EVERYTHING always works out in the end.... maybe not exactly how you planned it or once hoped it would but it works out non the less.
XoX
Sunday, June 21, 2009
Friday, June 19, 2009
Doritos and 7up
I came back home tonight.. I was staying with my grandparents cause I had my graduation and didn't want to drive all the way back from the school the same day that I drove there... It was a decent drive.. I went into work and had a pretty good shift... The guy that trained me at my job is pretty funny and he's super sarcastic so it's always fun to joke around with him for the first hour that I'm there before I take over his shift... Then after work I went and hung out with Courtney (a guy I work with) ... was good times... played xbox ate doritos and drank 7up.
I haven't seen the man much this week... want my space for a while to try to get some shit straight in my head... the more I'm away from him the more I miss him though... That's a good sign right? I love him very much ... it's just so wierd because now that I'm 4 hours from him and my career and everything is changing sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself back from giving this job and place my all because if I don't hold back I might loose him.
I always promised myself I would never be a workaholic and I would always put my life first and now all of the sudden I'm putting a job before my relationship of almost 3 years!
What is wrong with me?
: (
I haven't seen the man much this week... want my space for a while to try to get some shit straight in my head... the more I'm away from him the more I miss him though... That's a good sign right? I love him very much ... it's just so wierd because now that I'm 4 hours from him and my career and everything is changing sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself back from giving this job and place my all because if I don't hold back I might loose him.
I always promised myself I would never be a workaholic and I would always put my life first and now all of the sudden I'm putting a job before my relationship of almost 3 years!
What is wrong with me?
: (
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how I pry away And I ended up in this position I'm in
I starting to feel distant again So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow And I just can't sit back and wallow In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow One tough act to follow
Copy One tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack And half of them ain't even funny
like Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes and you don't have to walk no thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands they've delt
We have to take these cards ourselvesAnd flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit inEvery single place
Every school I went I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoesJust to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mindJust to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone...
sOoOoo Are you calling me,
are you trying to get through
OoOo Are you reaching out for me,
I'm reaching out for you
Just a song that kind of explains what I've been feelin the past little while
Ps Eminem's new CD is fucking INCREDIBLE.
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you
I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how I pry away And I ended up in this position I'm in
I starting to feel distant again So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow And I just can't sit back and wallow In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow One tough act to follow
Copy One tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack And half of them ain't even funny
like Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes and you don't have to walk no thousand miles
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands they've delt
We have to take these cards ourselvesAnd flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit inEvery single place
Every school I went I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet
In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoesJust to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mindJust to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you
Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone...
sOoOoo Are you calling me,
are you trying to get through
OoOo Are you reaching out for me,
I'm reaching out for you
Just a song that kind of explains what I've been feelin the past little while
Ps Eminem's new CD is fucking INCREDIBLE.
FUCK MOTHER FUCKING CALL CENTERS!
UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I was on the phone for 3 HOURS today yea 3 with Linksys to try to get my nana's wireless internet working agian and after 3 different people I could barely even understand the problem still isn't even fixed!
FUCK FUCKING CALL CENTERS!!!
FUUUUCKKKKKK!!!
I'll be alright lol
I was on the phone for 3 HOURS today yea 3 with Linksys to try to get my nana's wireless internet working agian and after 3 different people I could barely even understand the problem still isn't even fixed!
FUCK FUCKING CALL CENTERS!!!
FUUUUCKKKKKK!!!
I'll be alright lol
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Graduation..
If there's one thing I ever wanted more then anything so far in my life. It was to graduate. I wanted to prove to myself and to those at my school that were against me that I could do it.
Yesterday, after a million mini disasters, spending an hour and a half on my hair, after panicing over how dad wasn't coming and my man wasn't going to find his way there on time... with a bright red gown on and a HUGE smile on my face I walked onto a stage excited and anxious and walked off it a COLLEGE GRADUATE. My god. NOTHING has ever felt so satisfying and fulfilling as recieving that diploma and certificate that says I completed two of the hardest years of my ENTIRE life.
Any negative feelings that I used to have towards people that were there are gone because despite the fact that they wanted me to loose. I won.
For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself. That means more then I think most can understand for what I've come from.
My mom and dad didn't show (surprise surprise) dad was sick and mom had to work .. but my Nana Papa and Man were there and they are the ones that carried me through all the hard times in that place so I didn't need anyone else to be there.
I'M A FUCKING COLLEGE GRAD!!! FUCK YA!!!!!!! : D
Yesterday, after a million mini disasters, spending an hour and a half on my hair, after panicing over how dad wasn't coming and my man wasn't going to find his way there on time... with a bright red gown on and a HUGE smile on my face I walked onto a stage excited and anxious and walked off it a COLLEGE GRADUATE. My god. NOTHING has ever felt so satisfying and fulfilling as recieving that diploma and certificate that says I completed two of the hardest years of my ENTIRE life.
Any negative feelings that I used to have towards people that were there are gone because despite the fact that they wanted me to loose. I won.
For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself. That means more then I think most can understand for what I've come from.
My mom and dad didn't show (surprise surprise) dad was sick and mom had to work .. but my Nana Papa and Man were there and they are the ones that carried me through all the hard times in that place so I didn't need anyone else to be there.
I'M A FUCKING COLLEGE GRAD!!! FUCK YA!!!!!!! : D
Saturday, June 13, 2009
It's been a while!
To be honest I forgot about this blog until a good friend of mine reminded me that it's helpful to get your feelings out...
I had Surgery on May 25th. I'm feeling much better now and I'm up and about which is awesome. I'll find out in a few months if the surgery was a success or not *fingers crossed*
I actually GRADUATED college :) I've never EVER been more proud of anything I've accomplished. I cried more then I ever have, I pushed myself further then I've ever gone, I stayed awake for more hours in a row then I ever have before and I did it. The ceremony is on Tuesday and I couldn't be happier about it. I can't wait to put on that gown and cap and walk across that stage to take my diploma with a smile from the man I hate more then I've ever hated anyone. I've proven to myself for the first time in a long time I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it and my whole heart in it. For a long time I would start things but I wouldn't finish them because if I quit then technically I wasn't failing... about 5 times I was literally a signature away from dropping out of college but I did it and I did it successfully!!!
On top of graduating I got a Job as a traffic reporter :) there was only a few of us that ended up with jobs in our field and I was one of them!!! yay! I moved on May 1st and started the job on May 15th... I love my job soooo much! I work with great people and one of them I used to go to school with and I really get along with him well which is cool cause it gives me someone to hang out with in a new place... I've mostly just gone home during the week and come back for the weekends because of the surgery and what not... next week I'll be back there again for my grad and Jazzy and I are gonna go out I think which should be good times... While I love my job I'm still not quite adjusted to being here yet... it's been a really big change for me. I've moved a million times and I've always adjusted right away but for some reason this time it's different I really still don't feel like I belong yet... I know I'll figure it out. I've been looking for a second part time job and I think once I find one I'll start to feel better...
My man and I are a little weird right now... he's been working back home which is 4 hours away from where my new job is so things have been kinda shaky since I don't see him as much anymore... he was supposed to come to my place this weekend and instead he decided to go camping with his friends so I'm pretty upset about that... but I'm sure we'll work it out.. I just have to give him his space to be with his friends sometimes I guess...
Well I'm gonna go tidy and then hop in the shower and get pretty cause I'm going out with a couple of my co-workers tonight :)
More soon.xo
I had Surgery on May 25th. I'm feeling much better now and I'm up and about which is awesome. I'll find out in a few months if the surgery was a success or not *fingers crossed*
I actually GRADUATED college :) I've never EVER been more proud of anything I've accomplished. I cried more then I ever have, I pushed myself further then I've ever gone, I stayed awake for more hours in a row then I ever have before and I did it. The ceremony is on Tuesday and I couldn't be happier about it. I can't wait to put on that gown and cap and walk across that stage to take my diploma with a smile from the man I hate more then I've ever hated anyone. I've proven to myself for the first time in a long time I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it and my whole heart in it. For a long time I would start things but I wouldn't finish them because if I quit then technically I wasn't failing... about 5 times I was literally a signature away from dropping out of college but I did it and I did it successfully!!!
On top of graduating I got a Job as a traffic reporter :) there was only a few of us that ended up with jobs in our field and I was one of them!!! yay! I moved on May 1st and started the job on May 15th... I love my job soooo much! I work with great people and one of them I used to go to school with and I really get along with him well which is cool cause it gives me someone to hang out with in a new place... I've mostly just gone home during the week and come back for the weekends because of the surgery and what not... next week I'll be back there again for my grad and Jazzy and I are gonna go out I think which should be good times... While I love my job I'm still not quite adjusted to being here yet... it's been a really big change for me. I've moved a million times and I've always adjusted right away but for some reason this time it's different I really still don't feel like I belong yet... I know I'll figure it out. I've been looking for a second part time job and I think once I find one I'll start to feel better...
My man and I are a little weird right now... he's been working back home which is 4 hours away from where my new job is so things have been kinda shaky since I don't see him as much anymore... he was supposed to come to my place this weekend and instead he decided to go camping with his friends so I'm pretty upset about that... but I'm sure we'll work it out.. I just have to give him his space to be with his friends sometimes I guess...
Well I'm gonna go tidy and then hop in the shower and get pretty cause I'm going out with a couple of my co-workers tonight :)
More soon.xo
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