Ohh rainy day..

rainy days always get me down... I used to love them but lately they just make me sad... it's been rainy all week : (

I feel wierd lately... kinda outta place... not sure where I fit with things anymore.

Jake says he's not angry anymore... now he's just contemplating wheather he could do long distance with me after I cheated... so I guess he just assumes I'm willing to get back together?

I don't know what I'll do. I miss him, but I can't decide if he can truely let this go.

ugh I just wish I didn't care about it anymore. Wish it was just done cause this is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with and I want it to stop hurting.

workin... or at least I should be lol

It's been a while since I've posted... I've really been trying to stay busy so that I don't think of him.

the last couple weeks have been great... my best friend Kyle and I are back in touch and close agian.... I missed him sooo much! I went to a good buddy of mine from high school's wedding, I'ver been hanging out with people I lost touch with and I've been partying which of course is fun too... It's been really great. I missed this life. I feel like I'm Chantelle again.

Only down side is I miss having someone to come home to... someone to tell my stories from the day to... someone to love me... and for me to love.

I'm having fun and I'm in a better place then I was but I still miss him everyday. I think of him everyday and I still love him... the hardest part is I know he loves me too and he's told me he misses me just as much... I wish we could just start over. Completely fresh.. just like when we first met. If I knew then what I know now I would've done ANYTHING to make things better and make things work with him..

I went out with a bunch of friends last night here in Town... it was my first night on the town since I moved up here... it was a lot of fun.. got wayyyyy too wasted lol and saw people that I've missed dearly for a long time.. unfortunately my cell has been fucking up lately so I lost track of a couple people that would've also come out but that's the way it goes I guess lol..

overall I'm feeling better... not hating myself anymore which is a start... I'm just taking it a day at a time... only time will tell.

Today is

A new Chapter.

I can honestly say I've never been a bigger mess then I was in the days following my break up...

I can also honestly say now, it's time to move on.

I love him. I will always love him. He made a HUGE impact on my life and he supported me and carried me through things many people could never imagine. He wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy anymore. What I did was wrong but I think the end was near weather I did something or not.

I am 20 years old. At 20 for some reason we all think we're grown up. I've had to grow up pretty quick but that doesn't mean that I need to rush to settle down.
I don't want to be married at 20. I don't want to have kids this young (maybe not even at all). I don't want to be tied down when my career is just taking off.

I want to go to australia. I want to back pack through europe. I want to live my life while I'm young and I can. I want to laugh more with my friends. I want to have guy friends not a boyfriend.

I am young. I am independent. I am strong.

I will be me.

A shattered heart.

Man this break up has been the hardest one I've ever gone through... I don't know if it's cause he was the first guy I ever wanted to marry... If it's cause he was the first guy I ever lived with.. or if it's because he's the person I'm suposed to spend my life with...

The day we broke up he went to London to see another girl.. went and saw fireworks with her... then the next day went to the gym with another girl... How can he be over it that quickly?... I don't think he's over it I think he's trying to make his hurt disapear by getting back at me... Well I hope it's working for him cause it's fucking killing me inside.

I've never felt so hurt in my life... never felt so alone... never felt so embarrassed and ashamed..

He hates me for what I've done... I can't blame him for that But I feel like if he really loved me he would trying to find ways to make it work out not ways to get even with me.


So heart broken :(

The Worst Day Of My Life

Is today.

last week I kissed another guy... why I honestly don't know...

We fight all the time... like constantly ever since I moved here... every ten minutes we're in an argument.. I didn't feel like he loved me anymore so I was stupid and tried to find it in someone else.. All that did was make me loose him.. the person that I love more then I even love myself. The reason I woke up everyday. I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Depressed. Devistated. Crushed.

And the worst part?... I did it to myself. I wish I could take it all back, start again. Tell him I felt he was pushing me away and work it out instead of it coming to this.

Worst break up of my life. Biggest loss of my life. The most pain my heart has ever felt.


Why did it take loosing him to realise what I had in him

ugh