Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Ohhh how I love rainy days < 3

How easy it becomes to hurt yourself.

I have this terrible habit of putting everything and everyone before myself. Yes it's a good quality, but eventually you burn out and you have nothing left to give, because everyone has taken everything from you.

That's where I'm at right now, and that doesn't sit well with me. I spent a long time putting up walls and gaurding myself to try to avoid getting to this point again. It took me years to put myself back together and now I feel like I'm falling apart again somehow.

I let my gaurd down with J... he's not the only one I've done that with in the last 6 months, but he's the first that has truely and deeply hurt me. The stupid part is he tried so hard to avoid hurting me, he was honest with me, he was open, and I let myself get closer and closer anyway. He cares for me, I know he does, and I know he would be with me if he could, but he has a lot more going on than I'll ever know from him and he's just not ready. I need to let go.

I don't know why I do this to myself. I don't understand why I get close to people I clearly know I shouldn't and then like an idiot end up crying and asking myself  why once again. I'm so done thinking about this J situation, it's exhausting me. I've tried so hard to be whatever he needed that I forgot to think about myself.

I just keep saying to myself "why do you want to be with someone that doesn't want to be with you?"
I need to stop hurting myself. There is someone out there that is ready to love and will be willing to let me in... that's the type of person I should be investing my time in

If any one of my friends were in this situation I would be telling them to run. I would telling them to get out before it gets worse.

For once in my life, I'm going to take my own advice.

Have a happy rainy Tuesday my loves!

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