these last couple weeks.

Have been wierd!

I'm feelin pretty good, definately not sick anymore which is nice.. stupid Tonsils kept acting up for a while there!! I have an appointment to see a doctor that will hopefully take them out soooooon!

I was supposed to go meet up with Jake to talk today finally face to face for the first time since the break up. But his game got cancelled last night and moved to tonight so it's now a no go.. Can't say I'm overly surprised... I'm kind of bummed but I'm also relieved.. I was scared to see him. Scared it would just bring everything back up again.

These last couple weeks have just been kind of odd with my feelings about him... for the most part I try not to think about him, but for some reason I think of him everyday. I miss him. I'm not sure why I do, but I do. Takes time to get over someone but I feel like I'm not getting over or past him I'm stuck feeling the way I have the entire time. It blows! That's why I was looking forward to talking to him, seeing him and being able to actually talk in a civil manner will help things change. I don't know if it will be in a good way or a bad way but I just can't keep sitting around feeling like I do right now.

Tonight one of my girl's up here is having a pool party to celebrate her 21st birthday :) I'm excited! It should be good times... and a couple weeks ago I met a guy named Shawn, he's super cool and he plays guitar :) he's supposed to come out and it'll be good to see him along with everyone else and just party.

Aside from the break up summer 09 has actually been one of my best summers yet... I've had tones of beach days, weddings, parties, new people, new great friends... I need to start appreciating that stuff more!!

I'm outta here time to shower and tidy this apartment!!!

x o x

hmm

The cool thing about life is that when something tragic happens you become someone new without even knowing it...

Part of the reason it's so hard to get over it is because it takes a lot of work to find out who that new person is...



Cheers to finding who I am now... I'll be a better person because of it.

not myself.

I have been so fucked up lately...

Ended up in the hospital from a kidney infection.. doctors are starting to think the surgery didn't work :(... I have tonsilitis right now so I can't really talk and I feel sooo sick...

I'm stupid ad decided to go out on Saturday night with some friends cause I thought it would be fun.. ended up running into a guy that I used to go to high school with.. he kissed me and we made out for a bit but it felt wierd so I ditched him and went back to my friends... I was dancin with my friend Melissa and we were havin fun.. once and a while we'd dance with a cute boy and then back to eachother.. I had a great night.. the guy I kissed wanted me to go home with him but I don't want to be with anyone else right now so I just went home...

Then the next day I get a text from Jake saying "heard you were whoring it up at the bar in kdub last night, that's gross Chantelle"
Turns out apparently someone he knew was there cause they told him I was all over tonnes of guys and whatever.. I got drunk and I was dancing with guys but I was most definately not whoring it up...
Either way yesterday he told me he's completely done with me... doesn't want to talk just wants me to come get my shit and be done with it.. so I guess it's time for me to let go...

I'm just so miserable lately... I get drunk alllll the time. I'm always emotional... I feel like shit...

I just don't know what to do with myself now that he is gone.

I don't know how I'm supposed to let this go. ugh

Ohh rainy day..

rainy days always get me down... I used to love them but lately they just make me sad... it's been rainy all week : (

I feel wierd lately... kinda outta place... not sure where I fit with things anymore.

Jake says he's not angry anymore... now he's just contemplating wheather he could do long distance with me after I cheated... so I guess he just assumes I'm willing to get back together?

I don't know what I'll do. I miss him, but I can't decide if he can truely let this go.

ugh I just wish I didn't care about it anymore. Wish it was just done cause this is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with and I want it to stop hurting.

workin... or at least I should be lol

It's been a while since I've posted... I've really been trying to stay busy so that I don't think of him.

the last couple weeks have been great... my best friend Kyle and I are back in touch and close agian.... I missed him sooo much! I went to a good buddy of mine from high school's wedding, I'ver been hanging out with people I lost touch with and I've been partying which of course is fun too... It's been really great. I missed this life. I feel like I'm Chantelle again.

Only down side is I miss having someone to come home to... someone to tell my stories from the day to... someone to love me... and for me to love.

I'm having fun and I'm in a better place then I was but I still miss him everyday. I think of him everyday and I still love him... the hardest part is I know he loves me too and he's told me he misses me just as much... I wish we could just start over. Completely fresh.. just like when we first met. If I knew then what I know now I would've done ANYTHING to make things better and make things work with him..

I went out with a bunch of friends last night here in Town... it was my first night on the town since I moved up here... it was a lot of fun.. got wayyyyy too wasted lol and saw people that I've missed dearly for a long time.. unfortunately my cell has been fucking up lately so I lost track of a couple people that would've also come out but that's the way it goes I guess lol..

overall I'm feeling better... not hating myself anymore which is a start... I'm just taking it a day at a time... only time will tell.

Today is

A new Chapter.

I can honestly say I've never been a bigger mess then I was in the days following my break up...

I can also honestly say now, it's time to move on.

I love him. I will always love him. He made a HUGE impact on my life and he supported me and carried me through things many people could never imagine. He wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy anymore. What I did was wrong but I think the end was near weather I did something or not.

I am 20 years old. At 20 for some reason we all think we're grown up. I've had to grow up pretty quick but that doesn't mean that I need to rush to settle down.
I don't want to be married at 20. I don't want to have kids this young (maybe not even at all). I don't want to be tied down when my career is just taking off.

I want to go to australia. I want to back pack through europe. I want to live my life while I'm young and I can. I want to laugh more with my friends. I want to have guy friends not a boyfriend.

I am young. I am independent. I am strong.

I will be me.

A shattered heart.

Man this break up has been the hardest one I've ever gone through... I don't know if it's cause he was the first guy I ever wanted to marry... If it's cause he was the first guy I ever lived with.. or if it's because he's the person I'm suposed to spend my life with...

The day we broke up he went to London to see another girl.. went and saw fireworks with her... then the next day went to the gym with another girl... How can he be over it that quickly?... I don't think he's over it I think he's trying to make his hurt disapear by getting back at me... Well I hope it's working for him cause it's fucking killing me inside.

I've never felt so hurt in my life... never felt so alone... never felt so embarrassed and ashamed..

He hates me for what I've done... I can't blame him for that But I feel like if he really loved me he would trying to find ways to make it work out not ways to get even with me.


So heart broken :(