Christmas Time...

Christmas for me has always been wierd... most people kick back, relax, and enjoy family time and gifts and dinners... and all that fun stuff that everyone relates to christmas.... for me it's always been different...

My christmas involves stress, constant running around, and chaos.... I have a million different places to be because my family has been divourced and so on ... I have all kinds of different activities to be at... I end up letting people that are important to me down because schedules run into eachother so I can't always be where my family is... I run around like a lunatic for 2 weeks and then get to rest for one before I go back to school... in that one week before school I generally get sick and am totally exausted...

I'm not saying I don't like Christmas... I love it!! it's one of my favourite times of the year... I just don't like that instead of it being about family and relaxation and love it ends up being craziness... meh that's my rant for the day...

I just felt the need to share...

My 19th!

Everyone wants thier 19th birthday to be the party that no one forgets... I don't know about no one forgetting my 19th but I know I sure as hell won't! haha..

it started off with pre drinks at my place... I had Steph my Best friend, Jazz another best friend, Karen a total sweet heart and good friend that I haven't seen in forever, her bf Matt who seems awesome, Jake my hubby : ), and Mike Jake's best friend.... so we all started to get tipsy and stand around and chat about good times and how much we miss eachother (where it applies haha) and all is awesome... so we treck in the freezing cold (me being dumb am in a dress haha but man I looked good : P ) we get to the bus stop a dooby and a drink later and we wait for like 20 FREAKING minutes and then hop on the bus and too the bar we go!

We get to the bar and find a table for ourselves and that's about the last really CLEAR moment I remember haha... I got drink after drink from my awesome friends and shot after shot from them too... hell I was gettin them from people I didn't even know.. haha a few other people showed up and we were all breakin it down on the dance floor... so we drink we dance and we drink and we dance...

At around 1 or so.. (I think)... I go to the washroom singin to myself " go shawty it's my birthday , it's my birthday, we gonna party cause it's my birthday." and 2 chicks were in the washroom.. they turn and look at me and the one goes "who gives a FUCK if it's your birthday!".. being as HAMMERED as I was, I nicely replied with "what the FUCK is your problem!?"... I brush it off and go to the stall where I start goin to the washroom, as I do the two girls stand on the toilet in the stall next to mine, lean over the top and start pouring water on my head and throwing toilet paper and rolls at my head... calling me the one word that makes me snap... Cunt. I kindly warned them to stop and fuck off or they would be sorry so they got down and I assumed they had went away... I finish what I was doing and I walked out of the stall and the first girl comes at me trying to punch me so I turned and kinda threw her and she ended up smashing her face off the counter.. instantly gets two black eyes and her nose starts bleeding EVERYWHERE! her friend sees this and decides she wants to come at me too so I grabbed her by the back of the head and smashed her face off the counter ... I then walked out and tried to play off like nothing happened... they both came running out bleeding pointing right at me... needless to say.. I got "removed" from the bar hahaha....

We get in the cab and I spend the cab ride home crying because I felt sooo bad for what I did to those girls... my friends and bf convince me to stop worrying and that they deserved it... so I get over it.(the truth is they didn't deserve to get hurt, but I was drunk and angry and well now they'll never do it agian... )

So we head back to my place and pretty much as soon as I got here I started to hurl.. ahah.... but apparently I was makin people laugh and I was fun to take care of so it's alll good haha...

All I know is it was totally awesome to see my friends, I got kick ass gifts from Steph, Mike, Jake and Jazz, and it was a night I'll never forget! I'm so glad it went well!!

HERE'S TO THE NIGHTS I'LL NEVER REMEMBER WITH THE FRIENDS I'LL NEVER FORGET! : )

OVERWHELMED!!!

WOW..... School is so TOTALLY overwhelming right now! ... I have had literally a total of 9 hours of sleep since monday... THAT'S INSANE!... it's just that as soon as I get something finished there's something else to do or there's an exam to study for... I had an exam today.. I'm pretty sure I COMEPLETELY bombed it... : ( ... that means that I failed the course ... I dunno, I was away for so many days this semester that I don't know a lot of the stuff that's been on the exams and it's frustrating!!! If I was away because I was skipping or something that's my own fault then it wouldn't be so frustrating because it would be my own fault and my own consequence to deal with. but I was sick!! I can't help that!!....

I guess we'll see how I do and hopefully it's good!!!

Ugh I can't wait till this is all done and I can just crash!

Appointment # 5 bajillion!!

so today I go for my specialist appointment... in about 20 minutes actually, which is great and I'm happy because he's a top specialist in Canada so hopefully he can figure this shit out!! ... there's two sides to knowing that I have to go in there today....

Side 1...
Happy, Hopeful, and Excited... because this means that I could be beggining the track of getting better and fixing my illness.

Side 2...
Scared, Unsure, and Nervous... because this could also mean that I get the news that I don't want to hear... and that news is that they can't do anything for me.

so wish me luck as I say a little prayer and hope like HELL that side 1 is the one I get!!!

Now What?

What do I do? I'm 18 and I've been told that my stay here may be over within the next 5 years... do I cry because it hurts so bad? Do I laugh because it seems so unreal? do I have hope that they CAN fix it? Do I stay strong and keep my faith that everything is going to be ok?...

I guess the only option is to have hope and faith and stay strong... but how do I do that when everyday I can feel myself getting worse... feel my body becoming weaker?

I have a specialist appointment tuesday, they say that with the way technology is today, they should be able to figure it out and fix the problem, that's amazing... incredible!

but it's not for sure...

I have kept my feelings about this inside. I haven't told anyone how absolutely TERRIFIED I am.... how incredibly scary this entire process is... I just keep a smile on my face, in the hopes that if I do everyone that I care about will believe me when I say everything is going to be ok...

How do you tell your boyfriend, who you love more then you have ever loved anyone, who treats you like royalty, that you may be leaving him behind to face the world without you?

How do you tell your best friend who has already lost so much in her life that you may be leaving her to go through tough times in life unable to be that person that she calls anymore?

How do you tell your parents, who don't even really care about you, and who you haven't even really talked to over the last 5 years that you are dying... that their time to make it right may be up and it may be too late?

I don't want to hurt the people that I love... I don't want to leave them behind!! I'm SCARED! I'm ALONE!!

and I don't want to talk about it because it only makes them hurt more!

Please EVERYONE understand that I am sorry that I am putting you all through this!! I know you don't want me to leave I don't want to leave either!

I DON'T WANT TO DIE!!!