Birthday brithday birthday :)

Honestly the best birthday I've had in years :)

The day before my bday saw my wifey and got an awesome gift and had din with her :) was great!

On my actual bday I had dinner with the fam here at the house and opened my gifts :) and it was really nice to spend time with the fam.. it's been a long time!

Then went to mister's house and he was great.. even had a gift for me.. he's changed so much.. cuddly... says he misses me and us.. acts like he cares about me again.. I hope he keeps comin around...

Then Friday was brithday shinanigans.. went to B town and had fun although the night ended pretty ridiculously... ugh..

Saturday night was Toronto party!! Sooooo much fun! and mister showed up!! I couldn't believe it!! and the best part was we had fun!! got drunk and no drama just a great night.

then last night I went to my mom's and had bday din with my fam there :) also a great time and good to see my littls brother :) I love him sooooooOOOooo much!

Then went to the gym with mister and ended up stayin the night... we just hung out and cuddled all night.. it was great. still not sure what's goin on with us but it's better then it has been so that's good.

it's snowin out and it's almost christmas and I'm getting really excited :) I can't wait to just chill out with my fam and have some turkey :)

Talk soon!
xo

There's no place like home.

Wellll I'm back in the country :)

Feels good to be back home... I have my kitty and my friends and my fam and I'm feeling good :)

I've got a week full of plans so tonight is really the only night I have to just chill and do nothin so I'm taking advantage :)

Tomorrow:
Going to get my stuff from heartbreaker... I wrote him a letter last night.. it's like 7 pages.. explained exactly how I feel... and I told him it's my last attempt at getting his forgiveness... I'm making progress with my life.. I'm changing... every aspect of my life is so good right now except for my situation with him... so I said he either forgives me or it's over.. no if's ands or buts about it.. I can't do it anymore... reliving this shit constanstly is too much.. so I'm going to get my stuff.. we're gonna go to the gym and have dinner.. then I'm gonna give him the letter and leave.. that's that.. it will be nice to have one last night with him... and hopefully he wants to be with me but if he doesn't I'm ready to let go.. I can't keep hurting myself or letting him hurt me anymore..

Tuesday:
Going out for dinner with my wife Stephie :) it's my bday wednesday so we're going to celebrate :) I'm soooooo pumped to see her!! Never EVER want to go a whole month without her again!! EVURRRRRRR! lol

Wednesday:
Birthday dinner with daddo and Mel <3 super excited for that.. haven't had bday dinner with daddo in ages!!! then I'm off to Barrie for a few days..

Thursday:
Gonna chill with TL and visit all my friends/ co-workers in Barrie <3 should be good times :)

Friday:
Chillin with TL again then havin my barrie bday party Friday night :) :) :) :)

Saturday:
Bday party number 2 in Toronto!! Should be goooooooood times!! :) :) :) :) :)

Sunday:
Dinner at my mom's possibly... and hoping I'm not dead from alcohol poisoning bahahah


Feels good to be home :) I should get to unpackin though so I'm outta here :)

Talk soon! xo

One day...

sometimes I layunder the moon
and thank God I'm breathing
then I praydon't take me soon
cause I am here for a reason
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me down
so when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
because
all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
it's not about
win or lose
we all lose
when they feed on the souls of the innocent
blood drenched pavement
keep on moving though the waters stay ragingin this maze you can lose your way (your way)
it might drive you crazy but don't let it faze you no way (no way)
sometimes in my tears I drown
but I never let it get me downso when negativity surrounds
I know some day it'll all turn around
becauseall my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying forfor the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
one day this all will change
treat people the same
stop with the violence
down with the hate
one day we'll all be free
and proud to be
under the same sun
singing songs of freedom like
one day x4
all my life I've been waiting for
I've been praying for
for the people to say
that we don't wanna fight no more
they'll be no more wars
and our children will play
one day x6
ooooooooooooooooooohhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh


My hope is that one day we will all be happy, we will all put aside our greed and slefishness and live in peace... this song gives me hope and lets me know I'm not alone in that hope.

I found out yesterday that a good friend of mine was Murdered friday night. A guy stabbed him to death outside of a bar because he said my friend "looked" at him the "wrong way"

I still haven't really admitted it yet.. I still don't believe it... how someone would take another's life for such an insignificant reason I will never understand.. my friend had a 4 month old daughter and a one year old son. he had a girl friend and he was turning his life around from being a drug addict for his children.. he finally realised he could be whatever he wanted and instead he was killed.

Life is so short... and can be so cruel. Today please tell those that are close to you that you love them while you still have the chance.

I will miss you for the rest of my life Paul. love you!

hello hello!

Hey,
it's been a while!

I'm back home now... lovin it surprisingly... still workin construction and I really like it.. it's hard and I get wierd looks a lot because I'm a girl but it's a good job, it's hard work and I'm always learning something new. not to mention it's $$$$$$$ : )

You know who and I have been hangin out a LOT lately... I saw him twice last week and then this week we've hung out twice already and I'm goin there tonight... I leave for Florida next week though so we're havin our last visit tonight... his family will be home tonight though so it's gonna be wierd to see them... till this point I've only told a couple people that we've been hanging out and he's only told a couple as well... we'll see.. right now we're still just staying friends... feeling things out.. he needs me to prove to him I'm different and I think I am. we'll see what happens. it's all pretty confusing but believe it or not it's less confusing now then it was before and I'm hurting a lot less... fingers are crossed!

I leave for Florida next week EEEEEEEEEE :) :) :) :) Soooooo excited!! I'm excited for warm sunshine, golf, gettin a nice tan and most of all and entire month with my nan who is my hero!!! and my papa who's my inspiration!!! I'm going to write a letter to myself everyday that I'm there... just write whatever comes to mind. I'm trying to get myself and my feelings sorted out and I feel like being away from everything I know and am familliar with will help me see what I need to see without outside influences... wish me luck!!

I hung out with my wifey stephie on wednesday night for the first time in soooo long!! We hang out but usually it's only for like an hour or so because we both have very busy lives.. but we went out for supper and then get super baked lol and rapped to biggie plus sang our love songs ANIMALLL!!! lol... then watched the hills... it was really good to see her and have time to really talk and listen to her. I missed her very much!! I'll miss you while I'm gone mostest stephie!!! xo

Well I'm outta here... gotta tidy up and get some laundry goin, plus have a shower and what not before I head to jake's soccer game... ya I'm goin to his soccer game... and ya I know.. I'm an idiot lol.


talk soon! xo

I've lost all faith in men.

I had car troubles yesterday so got stuck at my place and couldn't go to my best girlie's birthday party I was pretty bummed out and I was all alone packing my apartment up so my friend Brit that doesn't live to far away came and got me and we went out to the bar and had a couple drinks... honestly I'm pretty sure that every douche bag that exsists in the world we ran into last night.

Impolite, spoke like disgusting pigs about girls, were rude, just brutal.. last night I realised how men truely are. I can't believe it. It breaks my heart. It's sad to see that it's basically encouraged for men to act like pricks and treat girls like shit... ya really cool! AWESOME :)

I went out with Jake last wednesday... we had a good night fun as always, but then we ended up making out for like half an hour... STUPID CHANTELLE STUPID!!!!! I knew it was stupid.. I knew I shouldn't.. but I love him so much, when he grabbed me and pulled me in I couldn't help but kiss him.. I didn't want to pull away. I miss him so much.

He doesn't have his cell for the weekend so I sent him a message over fb, I can tell he's been on, he's written on friend's walls and what not but he's not responding to my message... I feel like some crazy stalker or something I'm so stupid for letting him back into my life. So stupid for not just letting it because now I've put myself in a situation where chances are I'm just going to get hurt all over again.

:(

Gobble Gobble!!

Well it's thanks giving and here I sit in my apartment boxes all around me...

Part of me is sad... sad that I'm not with my family drinking wine and eating turkey till I pass out... sad that my apartment is half way to being packed up and that means my time here in the city where I had my first job is done.... sad that my last day of work at the station is tomorrow....

my god how time has flown by.

and part of me is happy.... happy that I completed my job here.. happy that I have improved my skills in radio... happy that I chose to come out here and stuck to my guns and did it...

And the rest of me is excited... excited for change... excited to be back home for a while where I feel whole again... excited for florida and the fun that it will bring for the month and a bit that I'm there...

There's a lot running through me right now... I'm sure that I'll shed a few tears tomorrow... I'm really gonna miss everyone... I'm gonna miss Brett's smart ass sense of humor... Court's loud laughter boomin through the halls.. and of course Blair's undying "awwwwkwarrrrrddd" statements lol.. it's been quite the ride... it's all happened for many reasons and being here has taught me a lot about myself... :)


Jake and I are still talkin... tryin to sort things out.. we were gonna hang out today but I'm wayyyy too tired after being out for most of the night last night and he was too so we're gonna go rollerblading on wednesday instead... it's wierd to get used to being Ella the friend instead of Ella the girlfriend but I think that we can get past this and at least have a friendship out of it... even though I would like to see more then that happen... we have a long way to go and a lot of work to do but I think we could be ok if we both work at it..


I found out today that I woman I'm really close with in my home town ... I used to work with her at the hardware store... her daughter passed away this morning :( She was autistic and had down syndrome so had a lot of health problems... I'm glad she's not suffering anymore but poor M is so sad and I'm so sad too.. the funeral's on thursday so wish me luck!

more another time xoxo

so lost.

So I did it... I saw him on Monday.

We went to dinner and then shopping, everything was the way it used to be... we were laughing goofing around reminising we were the way we used to be... it was like nothing had even happened... we started talking and trying to figure out how both of us feel. He loves me and misses me but doesn't know what he wants... I love and miss him and I want him back... not right away.. these things take time but I want this to work out. we sat in his car, both of us crying, talking in circles... finally I was so upset I had to leave... we hugged good bye and literally clung to eachother crying for 2 minutes... It felt so right... I had a huge wave of emotion come over me and now all I can think about is him... I had to leave so I did. when I did he got in his car and peeled out and I left for home... he texted me later saying the hug killed him and that he got this huge rush of emotion and love come over him when we hugged and that he missed it...

The next morning he texts me and says I want to see you again.. so we get together again last night.. we went to the movies and a couple minutes in he put his arm around me... so stupid me cuddled him the entire movie... we leave he takes me home we hug in his car just clinging to eachother for another couple minutes.. then we look at eachother and I wanted to kiss him and could tell he wanted to kiss me so I left... about 20 minutes later he texts me saying "I wanted to kiss you so bad but all I can think about is someone else kissing you... I don't even care about the people since we broke up I just care about that one... him.. " so we talk and decide we'll just hang out here and there from now on and feel things out...


I don't know what's going to happen but I know that I miss him and I hope he can find it in his heart to forgive me while I try to find it in my heart to forgive him.

Tomorrow...

Hmm.

So I think tomorrow is the day. that I will finally talk face to face with him.

we both decided that even if it's just to say good bye we need to resolve this. face to face. See eachother... talk to eachother. See how we feel.

I haven't seen him in over 3 months. That's nuts. I'm not going with any expectations. Just showing up. I know what I have to say. Things I've wanted him to hear from me for months. I want him to see in my eyes what he's put me through. I want him to remember me for me not for the monster I was by the time we broke up.

And I want to see if he's the monster he's made himself seem over the last few months with his actions. it's going to be very telling.

More details to come.

Am I crazy??

I feel like a skitzo!

One minute I hate Jake for all that he's done.

The next I miss him more then I can stand.

I'm done trying to get him back but I feel like if he made a solid effort and actually tried to win me back I'd probably get back with him. I know it sounds stupid and I wish I could explain it to myself but my heart is so in love with him and sometimes couples come away from stuff like this stronger then they were before.

I mean I've had friends that have actually slept with the other person and had relationships with the other person yet the couple still got through it and ended up great because once what they had was gone they realised it wasn't worth it.

I know Jake and I had bad times. Everyone does. But my god, when times were good... they were incredible. Better then any times I've ever had.

He has been on this rampage since we broke up... has slept with about 5 girls and gets drunk all the time... tells me it's over... but then when I finally stopped tryin to get him back I think he may have realised.

Yesterday he texts me when he read my status that said I was in the hospital (he's the one that's ALWAYS been by my side for everything to do with my kidney) asking if I'm ok, so we start small talk... which turns into reminising.

then I say good night and today he messages me and says " I forgot the good times chantelle and for that I'm sorry. When you hurt me I just focused on all the bad and thought getting drunk and being with random girls would fix everything. god was I wrong"

I said, "I'm sorry that you don't remember Jake because we has some amazing memories. Some of my best memories are with you."

I say "it's nice to be talking to you with out fighting and anamosity"

He says "well I guess when you aren't anything anymore there's less to fight about"

I say "Ya I guess.. ouch though.. the truth hurts"

He says" ya but it is the truth."

Me "Ya but sometimes I forget that and hope that someday we'll be us again. thus why I'm going away"

Him " You think going to Florida will make us again?"

Me " No I think it's goin to help me let go... you keep tellin me it's over yet I still want you back. the only thing I can think of that will give you what you want is to put 3000 miles between us and be where not EVERY single thing reminds me of you... I want you to be happy. even if that's without me. So I'm trying to do what you want me to and let go."

Him "what if that's only what I thought I wanted?"

Me ''What the hell does that mean?"

Him " I've never stopped loving you or missing you. I know I haven't shown it, I just don't know if you're right for me anymore that's the problem."




UGH why does love have to be so confusing?

Trip to Emerge.

Well I'm just waiting at work for my replacement to get here so I can go to the hospital. Oh Joy...

You'll never guess what's wrong?/

Yep that's right my kidney.

WHY THE FUCK DOES BAD SHIT ALWAYS HAPPEN TO ME!!?!

The end of what I thought was my life...

I talked to him a few times this week... it was wierd... we reminised.. we laughed... I cried...

I didn't realise it until now, but this whole time there was a part of me hidden away that still thought I had a chance... he made it clear that little part of me is wrong.

"We're too different Chantelle... you're and extravert I'm and introvert... You don't live for soccer like I do... We're not compatible.."

"I'm moving on Chantelle... I love you and I miss you and think of you everyday... I'm in limbo land.. I feel like no matter what I do in this situation I'm going to be unhappy but I have to start having more respect for myself.. I can't take back another girl that has treated me wrong."

" I thought we were meant to be but we never were. you and I were both wrong so I'm letting go"


The most hurtful words that have ever been said to me came from that conversation.

each and everyone stabbed a pain through my heart and made me literally want to be sick.

I feel pathetic for missing him

I feel ridiculous for loving him

and worst of all I feel lost without him.


I know now that it's finally time for me to let go. it's just so hard when you love someone and when you've opened up to them and shared things with them that no one else will ever know or understand. I wish this was easier.

I get my stuff from his place next weekend and that's it. no more talking again.

I can't wait to get to Florida and be away from him and his memory.

This is the end of what I thought was my life.. and the journey to figure out what really is.

Sunsets and broken dreams

Ever walk along the beach close to the water and watch behind you?

As you walk with one or two washes of waves your foot prints are gone... no one will know you were there except for the people close to you.. you just wash away...

In so many ways I feel like that's what life is like... all it takes is something simple. A car accident... being in the wrong place at the wrong time... or even just you weren't supposed to be here long... and your life is washed away.

If I die tomorrow, I would regret what I've done, regret things that I've said, and miss EVERYONE terribly.

If I die tomorrow, I'd be happy with what I've accomplished, happy with terms I'm on with my family finally.

IF I died tomorrow, I think there are many things I would want to take back.

It's definately time for me to change... before it's too late.

Big Changes lay ahead.

I found out Friday that my job contract won't be renewed so it's time to make some serious decisions. After thinking a lot about it I've decided that I'm going to Florida at the end of October. Don't know when I'll be back... don't know where I'll end up... but I'm leaving.

I need to get out of this place... Everyday I hear something about him... something about what he's done. who he's done. what's new in his life... and everyday, literally every day I still miss him.

I'm gonna go to Florida, get myself right, and then come back me again. when I come back I'll be able to deal with my problems. I'm just so depressed... I've had thoughts that no one should ever have and I am not myself. I hope going away will allow me to get things in check and I'll come back a stronger more put together person able to deal with everything that I'm leaving behind.

Big Changes Lay Ahead... I hope that I'm ready !

these last couple weeks.

Have been wierd!

I'm feelin pretty good, definately not sick anymore which is nice.. stupid Tonsils kept acting up for a while there!! I have an appointment to see a doctor that will hopefully take them out soooooon!

I was supposed to go meet up with Jake to talk today finally face to face for the first time since the break up. But his game got cancelled last night and moved to tonight so it's now a no go.. Can't say I'm overly surprised... I'm kind of bummed but I'm also relieved.. I was scared to see him. Scared it would just bring everything back up again.

These last couple weeks have just been kind of odd with my feelings about him... for the most part I try not to think about him, but for some reason I think of him everyday. I miss him. I'm not sure why I do, but I do. Takes time to get over someone but I feel like I'm not getting over or past him I'm stuck feeling the way I have the entire time. It blows! That's why I was looking forward to talking to him, seeing him and being able to actually talk in a civil manner will help things change. I don't know if it will be in a good way or a bad way but I just can't keep sitting around feeling like I do right now.

Tonight one of my girl's up here is having a pool party to celebrate her 21st birthday :) I'm excited! It should be good times... and a couple weeks ago I met a guy named Shawn, he's super cool and he plays guitar :) he's supposed to come out and it'll be good to see him along with everyone else and just party.

Aside from the break up summer 09 has actually been one of my best summers yet... I've had tones of beach days, weddings, parties, new people, new great friends... I need to start appreciating that stuff more!!

I'm outta here time to shower and tidy this apartment!!!

x o x

hmm

The cool thing about life is that when something tragic happens you become someone new without even knowing it...

Part of the reason it's so hard to get over it is because it takes a lot of work to find out who that new person is...



Cheers to finding who I am now... I'll be a better person because of it.

not myself.

I have been so fucked up lately...

Ended up in the hospital from a kidney infection.. doctors are starting to think the surgery didn't work :(... I have tonsilitis right now so I can't really talk and I feel sooo sick...

I'm stupid ad decided to go out on Saturday night with some friends cause I thought it would be fun.. ended up running into a guy that I used to go to high school with.. he kissed me and we made out for a bit but it felt wierd so I ditched him and went back to my friends... I was dancin with my friend Melissa and we were havin fun.. once and a while we'd dance with a cute boy and then back to eachother.. I had a great night.. the guy I kissed wanted me to go home with him but I don't want to be with anyone else right now so I just went home...

Then the next day I get a text from Jake saying "heard you were whoring it up at the bar in kdub last night, that's gross Chantelle"
Turns out apparently someone he knew was there cause they told him I was all over tonnes of guys and whatever.. I got drunk and I was dancing with guys but I was most definately not whoring it up...
Either way yesterday he told me he's completely done with me... doesn't want to talk just wants me to come get my shit and be done with it.. so I guess it's time for me to let go...

I'm just so miserable lately... I get drunk alllll the time. I'm always emotional... I feel like shit...

I just don't know what to do with myself now that he is gone.

I don't know how I'm supposed to let this go. ugh

Ohh rainy day..

rainy days always get me down... I used to love them but lately they just make me sad... it's been rainy all week : (

I feel wierd lately... kinda outta place... not sure where I fit with things anymore.

Jake says he's not angry anymore... now he's just contemplating wheather he could do long distance with me after I cheated... so I guess he just assumes I'm willing to get back together?

I don't know what I'll do. I miss him, but I can't decide if he can truely let this go.

ugh I just wish I didn't care about it anymore. Wish it was just done cause this is one of the hardest things I've ever dealt with and I want it to stop hurting.

workin... or at least I should be lol

It's been a while since I've posted... I've really been trying to stay busy so that I don't think of him.

the last couple weeks have been great... my best friend Kyle and I are back in touch and close agian.... I missed him sooo much! I went to a good buddy of mine from high school's wedding, I'ver been hanging out with people I lost touch with and I've been partying which of course is fun too... It's been really great. I missed this life. I feel like I'm Chantelle again.

Only down side is I miss having someone to come home to... someone to tell my stories from the day to... someone to love me... and for me to love.

I'm having fun and I'm in a better place then I was but I still miss him everyday. I think of him everyday and I still love him... the hardest part is I know he loves me too and he's told me he misses me just as much... I wish we could just start over. Completely fresh.. just like when we first met. If I knew then what I know now I would've done ANYTHING to make things better and make things work with him..

I went out with a bunch of friends last night here in Town... it was my first night on the town since I moved up here... it was a lot of fun.. got wayyyyy too wasted lol and saw people that I've missed dearly for a long time.. unfortunately my cell has been fucking up lately so I lost track of a couple people that would've also come out but that's the way it goes I guess lol..

overall I'm feeling better... not hating myself anymore which is a start... I'm just taking it a day at a time... only time will tell.

Today is

A new Chapter.

I can honestly say I've never been a bigger mess then I was in the days following my break up...

I can also honestly say now, it's time to move on.

I love him. I will always love him. He made a HUGE impact on my life and he supported me and carried me through things many people could never imagine. He wasn't happy anymore. I wasn't happy anymore. What I did was wrong but I think the end was near weather I did something or not.

I am 20 years old. At 20 for some reason we all think we're grown up. I've had to grow up pretty quick but that doesn't mean that I need to rush to settle down.
I don't want to be married at 20. I don't want to have kids this young (maybe not even at all). I don't want to be tied down when my career is just taking off.

I want to go to australia. I want to back pack through europe. I want to live my life while I'm young and I can. I want to laugh more with my friends. I want to have guy friends not a boyfriend.

I am young. I am independent. I am strong.

I will be me.

A shattered heart.

Man this break up has been the hardest one I've ever gone through... I don't know if it's cause he was the first guy I ever wanted to marry... If it's cause he was the first guy I ever lived with.. or if it's because he's the person I'm suposed to spend my life with...

The day we broke up he went to London to see another girl.. went and saw fireworks with her... then the next day went to the gym with another girl... How can he be over it that quickly?... I don't think he's over it I think he's trying to make his hurt disapear by getting back at me... Well I hope it's working for him cause it's fucking killing me inside.

I've never felt so hurt in my life... never felt so alone... never felt so embarrassed and ashamed..

He hates me for what I've done... I can't blame him for that But I feel like if he really loved me he would trying to find ways to make it work out not ways to get even with me.


So heart broken :(

The Worst Day Of My Life

Is today.

last week I kissed another guy... why I honestly don't know...

We fight all the time... like constantly ever since I moved here... every ten minutes we're in an argument.. I didn't feel like he loved me anymore so I was stupid and tried to find it in someone else.. All that did was make me loose him.. the person that I love more then I even love myself. The reason I woke up everyday. I feel ashamed. Embarrassed. Depressed. Devistated. Crushed.

And the worst part?... I did it to myself. I wish I could take it all back, start again. Tell him I felt he was pushing me away and work it out instead of it coming to this.

Worst break up of my life. Biggest loss of my life. The most pain my heart has ever felt.


Why did it take loosing him to realise what I had in him

ugh

At work workin..

Or at least supposed to be heh..

My job has a lot of downtime in between air times so I decided I would come on here and empty my brain for a minute with what's up in my life..

I'm stayin in town this week for the first time in a month now... I've had things to go back home for every week but not this week... it's gonna be wierd I'm sure but I've promised myself that I WILL get EVERYTHING unpacked... ya I know you're thinking "you've been there for 2 full months why the hell aren't you unpacked yet?!"

Well let's just say I was holding on to some things a little too tight back home... I know now that it's time to let go.

so I'll get everything unpacked at home and hopefully it'll start to feel a little more like it is home... cause it sure doesn't right now.

I'm so stuck with things right now.. half of me SCREAMS go back home while the other half PLEADS with me to stay...

I love my job.. I would never be happy in a different career... but I love my life and friends back home and miss it dearly...

I'm here so I'm obviously going to stay and my hope is that all will fall in a way that will make me and others that I care about happy as well.. seems sorta impossible right now though..



If there's one thing I've learned in life it's that everything and I mean EVERYTHING always works out in the end.... maybe not exactly how you planned it or once hoped it would but it works out non the less.

XoX

Doritos and 7up

I came back home tonight.. I was staying with my grandparents cause I had my graduation and didn't want to drive all the way back from the school the same day that I drove there... It was a decent drive.. I went into work and had a pretty good shift... The guy that trained me at my job is pretty funny and he's super sarcastic so it's always fun to joke around with him for the first hour that I'm there before I take over his shift... Then after work I went and hung out with Courtney (a guy I work with) ... was good times... played xbox ate doritos and drank 7up.

I haven't seen the man much this week... want my space for a while to try to get some shit straight in my head... the more I'm away from him the more I miss him though... That's a good sign right? I love him very much ... it's just so wierd because now that I'm 4 hours from him and my career and everything is changing sometimes I feel like I'm holding myself back from giving this job and place my all because if I don't hold back I might loose him.

I always promised myself I would never be a workaholic and I would always put my life first and now all of the sudden I'm putting a job before my relationship of almost 3 years!

What is wrong with me?

: (

Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own Everybody has a private world
Where they can be alone Are you calling me, are you trying to get through
Are you reaching out for me, I'm reaching out for you

I'm just so fuckin' depressed I just can seem to get out this slump
If I could just get over this hump
But I need something to pull me out this dump
I took my bruises, took my lumps Fell down and I got right back up
But I need that spark to get psyched back up In order for me to pick that mic back up
I don't know how I pry away And I ended up in this position I'm in
I starting to feel distant again So I decided just to pick this pen Up and tried to make an attempt to vent
But I just can't admit Or come to grips, with the fact that I may be done with rap I need a new outlet
I know some shits so hard to swallow And I just can't sit back and wallow In my own sorrow But I know one fact I'll be one tough act to follow One tough act to follow
Copy One tough act to follow Here today, gone tomorrow
But you have to walk a thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

I think I'm starting to lose my sense of humor Everything is so tense and gloom
I almost feel like I gotta check the temperature in the room Just as soon as I walk in
It's like all eyes on me So I try to avoid any eye contact Cause if I do that then it opens a door to conversation Like I want that... I'm not looking for extra attention
I just want to be just like you Blend in with the rest of the room
Maybe just point me to the closest restroom I don't need fucking man servant
Tryin to follow me around, and wipe my ass
Laugh at every single joke I crack And half of them ain't even funny
like Ahh Marshall, you're so funny man, you should be a comedian, god damn
Unfortunately I am, but I just hide behind the tears of a clown
So why don't you all sit down Listen to the tale I'm about to tell
Hell, we don't have to trade our shoes and you don't have to walk no thousand miles

In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoes
Just to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mind
Just to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes
But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you

Nobody asked for life to deal us
With these bullshit hands they've delt
We have to take these cards ourselvesAnd flip them, don't expect no help
Now I could have either just Sat on my ass and pissed and moaned
But take this situation in which I'm placed in
And get up and get my own
I was never the type of kid
To wait but I know to unpack his bags
Never sat on the porch and hoped and prayed
For a dad to show up who never did
I just wanted to fit inEvery single place
Every school I went I dreamed of being that cool kid
Even if it meant acting stupid
Aunt Edna always told me Keep making that face till it gets stuck like that
Meanwhile I'm just standing there Holding my tongue up trying to talk like this
Till I stuck my tongue on the frozen stop sign poll at 8 years old
I learned my lesson and cause I wasn't tryin to impress my friends no more
But I already told you my whole life story Not just based on my description
Cause where you see it from where you're sitting Is probably 110% different
I guess we would have to walk a mile In each other's shoes, at least
What size you where? I wear tens
Let's see if you can fit your feet


In my shoes, just to see What it's like, to be me I'll be you, let's trade shoesJust to see what I'd be like to Feel your pain, you feel mine Go inside each other's mindJust to see what we find Look at shit through each other's eyes But don't let 'em say you ain't beautiful OoOo They can all get fucked.Just stay true to you sOoOoo Don't let 'em say you ain't beautifulOoOo They can all get fucked. Just stay true to you


Lately I've been hard to reach I've been too long on my own
Everybody has a private world Where they can be alone...
sOoOoo Are you calling me,
are you trying to get through
OoOo Are you reaching out for me,

I'm reaching out for you


Just a song that kind of explains what I've been feelin the past little while

Ps Eminem's new CD is fucking INCREDIBLE.

FUCK MOTHER FUCKING CALL CENTERS!

UUUUUGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I was on the phone for 3 HOURS today yea 3 with Linksys to try to get my nana's wireless internet working agian and after 3 different people I could barely even understand the problem still isn't even fixed!

FUCK FUCKING CALL CENTERS!!!

FUUUUCKKKKKK!!!

I'll be alright lol

Graduation..

If there's one thing I ever wanted more then anything so far in my life. It was to graduate. I wanted to prove to myself and to those at my school that were against me that I could do it.

Yesterday, after a million mini disasters, spending an hour and a half on my hair, after panicing over how dad wasn't coming and my man wasn't going to find his way there on time... with a bright red gown on and a HUGE smile on my face I walked onto a stage excited and anxious and walked off it a COLLEGE GRADUATE. My god. NOTHING has ever felt so satisfying and fulfilling as recieving that diploma and certificate that says I completed two of the hardest years of my ENTIRE life.

Any negative feelings that I used to have towards people that were there are gone because despite the fact that they wanted me to loose. I won.

For the first time in a LONG time, I'm proud of myself. That means more then I think most can understand for what I've come from.

My mom and dad didn't show (surprise surprise) dad was sick and mom had to work .. but my Nana Papa and Man were there and they are the ones that carried me through all the hard times in that place so I didn't need anyone else to be there.



I'M A FUCKING COLLEGE GRAD!!! FUCK YA!!!!!!! : D

It's been a while!

To be honest I forgot about this blog until a good friend of mine reminded me that it's helpful to get your feelings out...

I had Surgery on May 25th. I'm feeling much better now and I'm up and about which is awesome. I'll find out in a few months if the surgery was a success or not *fingers crossed*

I actually GRADUATED college :) I've never EVER been more proud of anything I've accomplished. I cried more then I ever have, I pushed myself further then I've ever gone, I stayed awake for more hours in a row then I ever have before and I did it. The ceremony is on Tuesday and I couldn't be happier about it. I can't wait to put on that gown and cap and walk across that stage to take my diploma with a smile from the man I hate more then I've ever hated anyone. I've proven to myself for the first time in a long time I can accomplish something if I put my mind to it and my whole heart in it. For a long time I would start things but I wouldn't finish them because if I quit then technically I wasn't failing... about 5 times I was literally a signature away from dropping out of college but I did it and I did it successfully!!!

On top of graduating I got a Job as a traffic reporter :) there was only a few of us that ended up with jobs in our field and I was one of them!!! yay! I moved on May 1st and started the job on May 15th... I love my job soooo much! I work with great people and one of them I used to go to school with and I really get along with him well which is cool cause it gives me someone to hang out with in a new place... I've mostly just gone home during the week and come back for the weekends because of the surgery and what not... next week I'll be back there again for my grad and Jazzy and I are gonna go out I think which should be good times... While I love my job I'm still not quite adjusted to being here yet... it's been a really big change for me. I've moved a million times and I've always adjusted right away but for some reason this time it's different I really still don't feel like I belong yet... I know I'll figure it out. I've been looking for a second part time job and I think once I find one I'll start to feel better...


My man and I are a little weird right now... he's been working back home which is 4 hours away from where my new job is so things have been kinda shaky since I don't see him as much anymore... he was supposed to come to my place this weekend and instead he decided to go camping with his friends so I'm pretty upset about that... but I'm sure we'll work it out.. I just have to give him his space to be with his friends sometimes I guess...

Well I'm gonna go tidy and then hop in the shower and get pretty cause I'm going out with a couple of my co-workers tonight :)

More soon.xo